break to vent

ok. I'm having a bad week. I have to vent.

first of all... don't even get me started on how stupid people are. and bitchy. and rude. and how much they like to blame you for things that are NOT your fault. Anyway.

Second. I am an idiot. I really feel like an idiot most of the time. Here I am, doing everything I can, doing every single thing I can think of, to make someone else feel supported, loved, cared for... to make that person feel like they can be themselves, they can do whatever they need to do... and, shockingly, I am given pretty much nothing in return. And it doesn't really matter, does it?

Third. I fucking wanted to get a tattoo tonight. The tattoo guy *forgot* that he told me to come up there today. So he was busy doing a huge tat. I tried to call up there at 10 (after waiting 2.5 hours to hear from him) but noone answered. He finally called at 11 and left a message to say this other guy could do the tat for me. Whatever. At that point I was home and wasn't about to go down there only to have to wait 30 mins for the guy to get set up and then not be back til 1 or so. I'll just go back to my regular artist and set up an appointment for 2 months later. :P

Yes. My week is awesome. No. Not so much.

well. oops.

Ok. so I apparently cannot keep up regularly with blogging. I think I will go back to just trying to update every week or every couple of weeks, unless I really have something to say.

However, I will go ahead and finish the "30 day" thing, just because it gave me interesting things to talk about :)

We were on day 21, which was "Favorite Picture of Yourself of All Time, and Why."

That's... a tough one. Give me a minute to look through my pics.

There may be another pic or two that I like quite a lot as well, but this pic right here... I love it. I don't feel like I have ever in my life looked hotter than in this pic. Crooked half-smile, red punk rock spots in my hair, shoulder and chest muscles, tank top... yes. I am hot. haha. I like it when I feel like I look good in pics. I did, for a long time, love the way I looked. A few years ago, I was really extremely happy with how much I weighed and how I looked. I felt like I looked fantastic. I've gained some weight since, that I have been trying very hard to lose. Back on the diet today, after a few weeks of partying it up for people visiting and my birthday and all. Despite the weight, though, this pic... was perfect. I didn't look at all fat. I looked good. I want to feel like I look that way all the time. I miss that feeling. 

It takes a lot to lose weight, and I don't have a ton to lose, just a little, so I can only imagine how it feels for someone who has a lot they are trying to get rid of. It can be a very daunting task, I'm sure. Just take it one step at a time. Celebrate the little victories, get a little bit of exercise every day. It doesn't have to be 2 hours at the gym, just get up and walk up and down your street once. Do something! You CAN do it. Buy a couple of cheap weights and just do curls and presses while you're watching tv. I struggle with the motivation to work out, too, believe me. It's a daily battle, and some days I lose! Don't beat yourself up over it. Just move on to the next day. You really can do it.

Anyway. That's all I have to say I guess. Back to work today. I close tonight, have to be up super early tomorrow for the Memorial Marathon, then back at work at 10am. Ugh. Going to be a long weekend. At least I am the late late shift Monday and Tuesday, then off again Wednesday. So that will be quite lovely.

Hope you all enjoy your weekend. 

Back on track, yo

Alright! Hitting day 20 while it's here!

Day 20 - Nicknames!
This is a fun one. Let me just make a list of all the things people regularly call me.

Number one - Abs. I sign all of my emails this way with my coworkers. Most of the people at work call me that. Most of my close friends call me that when they are talking to me. It's also part of my drag name, haha. I will answer to "Abs" pretty easily.

Second most common - Abicus. This one was dubbed to me back in junior high. It really only gets used by the people I've known the longest, and I use it for things of mine. It's really more of a title in some ways. "The Almighty Abicus" or "Jedi Abicus" or the like.

Those are the two most commonly used, I think. Let's look at other things I have ever been called:
Ablers
Abner
Abika
Abbinator
Abs of Steel
Abbigator
Abbey-normal (har har)
Abigail (don't even try. just my tae kwon do instructor calls me this)
Abbeykins

That's all I can think of. :)

isn't 2 better than 3? no?

Well, I only have to catch up for 2 days instead of 3. That's better, right? It means I'm getting better. Now, maybe I'm not keeping up with it every single day, but I'm keeping up with it a few times a week, which is much better than what I was doing before (like once every 3 months). That was the whole point anyway, so... here we go!

Day 18 - Favorite Place to Eat
Wow. I don't even know if I can answer that question! I am a fat kid at heart. I love food, I love eating, I love... well. Food. But restaurant-wise? Hmm... I'm gonna have to go with Saii. Delicious sushi, absolutely delicious. Not quite as delicious as Uchi in Austin, but I prefer the atmosphere at Saii, and their food is definitely delicious. Another good place is Rok Bistro in San Jose, California. Or! Or a good hibachi grill, like Musashi's. Nom nom nom. Dang... now I'm hungry. I want some sushi. And some good fried rice. Mmmmm... I may have to find some good food tomorrow.

Day 19 - Something You Miss
Another loaded question. I miss my best friends, my Nicki and my Cupcake. lol. I miss my pretty one. I miss Harley. I miss Granny. I miss not having adult things to worry about. I miss having abs, and weighing about 15 lbs less. I miss when it didn't matter what I ate. I miss early morning texts, emails of poetry and song lyrics. I miss love.

Sigh.

Man. I'm a winner.

I'm clearly doing *really* well at this. Being that I am, again, 3 days behind.

Day 15 - Bible Verse
This is one of my favs. Always has been, always will be.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." - Phillipians 4:6

I do not do a very good job at living by this verse, but it always reminds me somehow, when I need to hear it, that I need to realize it's ok to not be in control of everything. Just to trust God, let him be in charge, and know it will all be ok.


Day 16 - Dream House
So... I find that to be an odd topic. I assume that a lot of people have some sort of picture of what their dream house will look like, different features it will have, a particular location, or some such. I have no such... anything. My dream home is somewhere with my, the person I love, not too far from work (preferably within walking/biking distance), with enough room for our dogs as well. That's really all I need.


Day 17 - Something you are looking forward to
Many things right now. Let's list them, shall we?
1. Nicki getting here. YAY! Just a little more time...
2. My birthday. Also YAY! but also... a little... omg I'm getting old. :\
3. The memorial marathon! I'm on a team with some people from work and I am super pumped about it. I always wanted to participate in it (on a team) so I'm excited I am getting to do that.
4. Being in shape :\ I am trying! Maybe it will pay off and show up soon.
5. My second nephew's birth. Should be July or August, I believe.

Now. Let's see if I can keep up from here on out :)

well. oops.

Ok. Sunday... Sunday I had a *really* bad day, and I ended up staying out with a friend a bit late, just to calm myself down. Then Monday, I *was* going to come right home after work, but a friend had a crisis, and then everyone was at this guys' bachelor party, and I didn't want them to all think me super lame. so I was out too late that night, too. so. here you go.

Day 12 - something you don't leave the house without.

This will be a short and easy one. My phone. I have actually turned around and come back to the house, risking being late to work and appointments, if I realize I have left it on my dresser or something. I may have an addiction.


Day 13 - Goals

Wow. That's quite a question. I sort of feel like I'm at the point where I need to reevaluate some things and reset some goals for the shorter term. However, I guess over some long term time, a few goals:

1. to visit all 50 states (just what... 19 to go?)
2. To finish another triathalon in a much more acceptable time
3. to finish a 5k in less than 30 minutes
4. to move somewhere. even if I don't stay there for the rest of my life. just for a while, to get out of Oklahoma, and get some experience elsewhere.
5. to get my body back to where I feel comfortable being in just a sports bra and shorts

Day 14 -
Day 14 is interested. It's supposed to be a picture of yourself from last year and how you have changed.

This is how I looked almost exactly a year ago. Honestly... I could not have been more unhappy at that time. I was living (essentially) alone. I was in an awful, completely ridiculous, emotionally abusive relationship. I *hated* my full time job, more than I have ever hated any job in my life. I was spending spending spending money. I was having to cut friends out of my life for stupid reasons. I wasn't working out. I was miserable.

In a year... so much has changed. I am renting my house to someone and living with my parents. I was able to leave the job that sucked and become full time at a place that I love more than any job I have ever had. I know that this place is where I intend to stay. I have so many friends that want to be around me and spend time with me. I exercise pretty hardcore 4-7 days a week. I am saving (some) money. I am not in that awful relationship. I am in love with someone, who I currently cannot have, but despite the fact that it does make me unahppy... I am not miserable. I miss her, this wonderful woman. I know that if I never get to be with her, I will not die from it. I'll be sad, but I'll be ok. My life won't end. I just would rather not have life without her. Life with her is so much better.

But anyway... all that to say... I am SO much, a thousand times happier and in a better place than I was a year ago. I love. I am loved. I am amazing. I am fantastic at my job. I love my friends and coworkers. 

I am better. :) Much, much better.

bump in the road...

I'm home a tad late tonight. I'll update tomorrow for today and tomorrow :)