strange surroundings

Well. I'm here in California for 3 weeks. Training for 3 weeks. Living alone in a hotel room for 3 weeks. Not being the one with the car keys.

This will be interesting.

Got here not long ago, to the hotel, that is. Kinda getting settled. Trying to find the courage to text the guy who I shared a car with on the way here and see if maybe he wants to go find some food or something. I don't really want to just be stuck here all evening. I also want to make sure he waits for me in the morning! I need to be sure I have a ride to work. I'm just... this is not my personality, to do this kind of thing. Go somewhere that I don't know anyone. It's kind of scary. It's *really* scary, actually. I don't know anyone. I don't have my own car. I don't know what I'm going to do for dinner, or if I need to go get something...

Well. This will be new for me in all kinds of ways.

I think it will be better once class actually starts tomorrow. Then we will kind of meet people, get to work, start spending time together. Yeah. It will be ok then. It's just... going to be weird until then.

Maybe I'll go to bed early.

Don't get me wrong. I'm super pumped to be here. I'm so excited to get to work tomorrow. Just... I don't really know what to do right now.

headed for a heartbreak

"Now we're headed for a heart, heart, heart break

And I don't ever, ever wanna hear you say

Don't say you love me, don't even

Don't say you love me, you're leaving."

-Boys Like Girls

That, right there, is the story of my life. It's not necessarily completely true now, and it's not necessarily completely true in all cases. But I think, at some point in each of my wonderful past experiences that I call "relationships", I have felt part of that paragraph.

You know the feeling. For example, "this isn't going to end well." Have you ever realized that about a relationship? I can, unfortunately, name a few that the previous statement would apply to. Even after being told by other people, "hey, you know, this really isn't a good idea..." I do my own thing, apparently. Doesn't matter what you think. I am stupid.

"Don't say that, it doesn't help anything. It doesn't make it better." The middle two lines of the paragraph of the song apply here. Another couple of relationships I can think of to apply that part to. As I think I mentioned previously, how many times I have heard some form of the following:

"Abbey... you are so perfect. You just love with everything you have, and you make me feel so loved and special. You would do anything for me, and I know that you would. You're just... gosh, you're so perfect. I'm just not in a place where I can be in a relationship right now..."

Really? Is it supposed to sting less because I'm "perfect?" If I was so great, why in the fucking hell would you let me go? Not only let me go, but send me on my way, very quickly. Then, within a month, be with someone else? Don't sugar coat it to spare my feelings. All you have done is give me a complex. I am now convinced I am so far from perfect that no one will ever stay with me for longer than a max of 6 months. I am also convinced that *everyone* who dates me, will end up choosing to go back to their ex or someone that should be in their past. But that's neither here nor there. This is not about a list of my emotional complexes. That's for another day.

Then there's the last line. 

I don't even know what to say about it right now. I don't really know that I can even put into words everything that I'm feeling, and I don't know that I care to try. I want to tell her what I'm feeling... but I can't. She said "I love you"... and left. 

I shouldn't be upset, I guess. I understand. Kind of. Not really. Plus... everybody leaves me. Eventually. So it's not like it's really her fault. She had to.

I hate being me some times.

just smile

So much can change in 3 weeks.

Three weeks doesn't seem like a very long time, from some angles. From others, it seems like it could be an eternity. Overall, though, I think 3 weeks is just enough time for everything to completely change.

I will be gone for three weeks, if you haven't gathered. My semi-recent promotion requires me to become certified, and to do that I am lucky enough to get to travel to California for three whole weeks, to study, learn, take tests, and be awesome. It's pretty exciting. I'll get to be out of town, not really completely have to deal with my life. Not that it won't be fairly prominent in my mind, but at least I won't be in town. I also will not be as available. The time zone there is two hours earlier, I will be in class most every day, and then probably doing a little studying, hitting the gym, and sleeping. The first full weekend I am there, my brother and his significant other are driving up to visit me, and we will be doing a bit of shopping and sight-seeing. It will be wonderful.

I only wish I could be gone longer. I'm sure I won't want to come back. Probably not, though, for the reasons you would assume (weather, more chill environment, etc). I won't want to come back because I don't want to come back to my life.

Who knows what all will happen in three weeks. Based on my previous experiences, however, I think I can safely say that I will not be a fan of whatever ends up happening.

and so it goes

I like that I'm not like everyone else.

I don't always like it. I haven't always liked it, and there are still some days when I don't really. I wish I could just be like this person or that person; more "normal", if you will. Overall, though, I like being me. I like that I am not like everyone else. I am different.

There are good things about being different, for sure. There are also bad things. The bad things are usually the more obvious or apparent things; the things people make fun of you for when you are growing up. The things kids and teenagers hone in on and attack. The good things, you have to search for yourself.

The funny thing is, though, that usually those things that make you different are the things that people fall in love with.

So what's so great about me? I'm not entirely sure. There are some things about me that are special. Different. New. Maybe that's what catches peoples eyes - the differences. I'm not like everybody else, not at all. Honestly, that doesn't always make it very easy. Do you know how many times I've heard "you're great" or "you're perfect" or "you are not like everyone else."

And that's why they leave me. Ironically.

I will never understand people.

hello, hello... this is Romeo...

And she said "Juliet had Romeo. I have you."


Life. Life happens when you aren't expecting something to. Other people make decisions, be they right or wrong, helpful or hurtful, and carry out their choices. You may be in the process of trying to work something out, deal with something, fix something, make something better... but that doesn't always matter to other people. What matters to them is their own issues. The funny part of that is... sometimes they try to make your issues their issues, and they do things to affect you, about things that don't actually affect them.

Sometimes people make decisions you don't want them to make. Or, they choose the path you really hope they don't choose. You understand. You really do. Doesn't mean you have to be happy about it. Because the choice affected you, but it wasn't the one that you felt was best for you. It hurts to have to realize that. Even though you know they made the choice that was best for them.

Sometimes, things happen before they should. Because you are impatient.

And then, in that moment when you are writing vaguely about all the events that have happened recently to affect you in some way, you realize that all this time, all the lessons in patience were supposed to mean something. There really was a reason to learn it all. But you ignored it. You made the choices you wanted to, because you didn't want to wait. And this is where you are at, because you didn't learn it.

Well, shit.

Oh, my Juliet. I will always long for you, until you return to my arms.

maybe, in the future, you're gonna come back...

I want to love you. That's all. I want to spoil you. I want to love you, and all your crazy, and everything that goes on in your head. I want you to be mine. I want to show you that you're worth it and not everybody leaves. Not me, anyway. How could I, when I finally found what it is I was looking for?

I'm the one everybody leaves, you know.

I hope you can find you. I hope you can figure out what it is you want and need. I want it to be about you. I want you to be happy. I'm a little afraid that I'm not really what you want, and you want to work that out. I don't want to be the backup. I'm always the backup,  you know? The second choice. I also don't want you to choose me just because you feel bad or because you don't want to hurt me. I don't think you would... I think there was a time that you would, but I don't think you would do that now. I try so hard to keep from being sad, you know?

I want to be your person. I want you to be mine. I hate these walls we have had to put up. It's like a part of me has been taken from me. When I finally decided to take off all the "filters" for you, it was a wonderful day. But now... now I don't feel like I can fully be me. It's not your fault. It's not the end of the world. It's just not easy, and I hate it. I know what it's like to not have those with you, and that was incredible. I miss it. I miss you. I miss being yours.

I know. I always get sad somehow. I fail at not doing so. But you, my dearest, you are the most important to me. I want you to be happy. I want you to be loved. I want you to be ok. I want you to have your dreams come true, and to have someone who wants to spend their life trying their damndest to make all your dreams come true. I would. I want you to be taken care of. No, you don't need it... most of the time. But sometimes... sometimes you do. And yes, you *do* deserve that.

You are beautiful. I love you.

when the past catches up

It's so very easy for things from the past to affect us. It's very easy to be going along, minding your own business, and then some trigger gets pushed, and causes all kinds of emotions and reactions you were hoping were gone.

I don't know where it came from, this awful feeling of worthlessness that I have so often. I don't know when it started. Maybe I do... I have some things I remember that could have caused it. I remember being the outsider. I was strange. I was always stranger than most of the kids, I felt like. Especially because I didn't like the "girly" things, I liked the things the boys did. I like boys toys. I liked Ninja Turtles, GI Joe, toy guns, pretending like we were cops, or lost boys with Peter Pan, cowboys... I was always so confused by the girls. I was even so far as to be mean to them sometimes, just because I didn't understand. Maybe that was when it started.

In junior high and high school, even, I still felt like a bit of an outcast. I was closer friends with and hung out with the "weird" kids. The nerds. I did hang out with some of the "popular" and "attractive" people. I was always shocked when they wanted to hang out with me or talk to me at all. I never really felt like their first choice, but at least I did have friends. I still felt like the "weird" kid, though.

Somewhere along the way, that turned into a complete lack of self confidence. But now... I am so convinced I'm not worth it, with regard to relationships. I feel, most of the time, that I am pretty much just waiting around to be broken up with. It's fun for a couple of months, and then I'm not "new and exciting" anymore, and I wonder. Are they bored of me? Am I annoying them yet? Everyone says similar things. "You are so wonderful. You are perfect. You are everything I could ever want... But I'm not ready for that. I'm not in a good place for this. I need to focus on me. You deserve something better."

You know... if you don't want to spend your life with someone, just say so. Don't lie. Anyway.

I'm tired of convincing myself that I'm not worth it. But I don't know how to stop.

Sometimes I don't really know what to say, I just feel like I need to say *something*. There are so many things on my mind these days... so many things that I wish I could fix or make better. So many things I wish I could say correctly. I just don't know what to say, how to say it, what to do, what to not do... surely there is something I could do that would make things better.

It's hard for me to not want to fix things, when something is going wrong, and especially when it relates to someone I love or care about. I have a tattoo that means "protector." That is who I am, though I'm starting to think I'm not very good at it. Every time I try to protect someone, or take care of them, I feel like I only make things worse. No, I don't think everything is all my fault. I think I've done my share of things I probably shouldn't have. I've made choices, in the past, that I shouldn't have made. I still pay for some of those choices... plenty of things remind me of painful times. I will, randomly, get a memory, a feeling, of some very unhappy moment. Some time when I was made to feel extremely low or worthless. I don't know what it is that triggers that, what causes those particular feelings to come rushing back. I hate it, you know. I left that situation for a reason. The other situations were not my choice to leave, but looking back, for the most part, I feel like I understand why those were not the best situations for me any longer.

Now, though... oh, now. I had this wonderful, happy, lovely thing. Perhaps I was not supposed to have it yet, but... it was so lovely. So happy, so full of love, smiles, and just everything I had wanted. Making all the shit of the past not matter. Making it all worth it, to get me to where I am so I could have this. Until the full realization of being "the wrong time" came about, that is.

I know. I know all the issues. I know what situations were there and are still there. I am painfully aware. And yet... here I am.

I see what it's worth, you know.

the simple things

Sometimes, in the evenings, my dog naps on my lap as we all watch tv. A lot of the time, he prefers to sit on my mom's lap. You know, grandparents are usually the favorites.

My parents and I sit and watch Desperate Housewives, Biggest Loser, Frasier... they like to watch a bunch of ridiculous contest shows, like American Idol, Dancing With the Stars and all that kind of business. I enjoy it. I plan, one day, to have a wife who will sit with me in the evenings, watch tv and movies, snuggle on the couch... We will talk, we will just watch the shows, we will enjoy each other's company. Sometimes we may be on our laptops, but it's very likely that I will be much more interested in holding my beautiful wife than playing on the computer. Unless I have to do something for work or... something.

Right now I really need to take care of some things. I have some stress going on that I need to fix. There are some things I can control a little bit, and some things I can't control at all. The things I can control a bit all relate to money. I am working on those things. Making them better, anyway. I can't exactly fix them. The problem is... when I get stressed out, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to take care of things, I don't want to make them better, I don't want to have to put out any effort. It's extremely frustrating. It doesn't make it any better that my parents realize I need to get moving and constantly remind me of it. I'm doing the best that I can... well. Maybe not the best that I can. I realize this.

I don't know. I really am working on it.

At least my dog sleeps on my lap in the evenings. It makes life a little less frustrating.

emotions run

Have you ever heard that? Such-and-such runs... "Emotions run deep" or "emotions run raw", etc. Emotions run. They certainly run. They never walk. Emotions, at least in emotional people, do NOT walk. They don't even really jog. They always run.

I know mine always run, anyway.

I'm not, crazy. I just am very deep and emotional. I love big and very deeply. I am extremely loyal, unless you give me a good reason not to be. I also can be pretty emotional sometimes in negative ways. I have had huge fights, knock-down, drag out fights, where we haven't spoken for months. Because we both feel so strongly about whatever it is we are fighting about. Thankfully, the people that I love, that I call my best friends, the ones I have fought with and been extremely angry with and cut out of my life for periods of time, have been people who are the exact same as me. So eventually, we both apologize and move on. We miss each other too much. We are loyal. We love each other. We are friends. For all times.

So. If I'm that emotional with my friends, you can only imagine when it's a romantic relationship.

Emotions run. And boy, do they run fast.

I miss my Lovely One.

who am I?

How do you describe "who" you are? It's easy to describe "what" you are.

What am I?
Artist. Ninja. Actor. Goofy. Writer. God's child. Tattoo canvas. Technician. Hard worker. Loyal. Friend. Lover. Aunt. Daughter. Sister. Weird. A little lazy. Thinker. Feeler. Emotional. Drag king. Hot. Designer. Traveler. Protector. Listener. Dancer. Imaginative. Dreamer. Planner. Hoper. Martial artist. Athlete. Reader. Poet. Leader. Team member. Night owl. Teacher. Student. Nerd. Photographer. Obsessive compulsive. Organizer. Missing someone.

And on, and on...

Who am I?

I'm Abbey. I don't really know how else to describe it.

No, it's not meant to sound deep or philosophical. It's just what I'm thinking about.

I perform as a drag king. I believe I will some day be famous for it.
I will probably ditch you to spend time with my nephew.
I do not like to talk on the phone, unless you are my girlfriend. (and even then, it's not a given)
I want to be Batman when I grow up.
My dog amuses me more than most comedians.
I have a texting problem.
I love deeper than anyone you will ever meet.
I am meant for greatness.

Somehow.

2011 - here we go

love is...


•bringing two kinds of soup because you weren't sure which they wanted
•driving over to their house at midnight after work, just to leave a note on their car
•organizing their iTunes playlist for them, because they want it done, but will never do it themselves
•watching Disney movies together because they're adorable
•knowing exactly which sushi will make them the happiest
•knowing red roses mean nothing to them
•staying up talking until 3am, when you have to be at work at 9
•going to bed early, because the other person has to be at work at 9
•compromising some times
•leaving a note in their locker, even though we're not in high school anymore
•knowing what the other person needs before they say it




happiness is...


•a small dog, cuddling on your lap
•tackle hugs
•good music
•good food
•snuggling with a pretty girl
•teasing your brother
•having your iTunes library completely organized
•traveling
•texting your best friends all day
•getting tattoos
•being loved


By the time this year is over, happiness and love will be the two things I finally possess.


Welcome to wherever you are.