break to vent

ok. I'm having a bad week. I have to vent.

first of all... don't even get me started on how stupid people are. and bitchy. and rude. and how much they like to blame you for things that are NOT your fault. Anyway.

Second. I am an idiot. I really feel like an idiot most of the time. Here I am, doing everything I can, doing every single thing I can think of, to make someone else feel supported, loved, cared for... to make that person feel like they can be themselves, they can do whatever they need to do... and, shockingly, I am given pretty much nothing in return. And it doesn't really matter, does it?

Third. I fucking wanted to get a tattoo tonight. The tattoo guy *forgot* that he told me to come up there today. So he was busy doing a huge tat. I tried to call up there at 10 (after waiting 2.5 hours to hear from him) but noone answered. He finally called at 11 and left a message to say this other guy could do the tat for me. Whatever. At that point I was home and wasn't about to go down there only to have to wait 30 mins for the guy to get set up and then not be back til 1 or so. I'll just go back to my regular artist and set up an appointment for 2 months later. :P

Yes. My week is awesome. No. Not so much.

well. oops.

Ok. so I apparently cannot keep up regularly with blogging. I think I will go back to just trying to update every week or every couple of weeks, unless I really have something to say.

However, I will go ahead and finish the "30 day" thing, just because it gave me interesting things to talk about :)

We were on day 21, which was "Favorite Picture of Yourself of All Time, and Why."

That's... a tough one. Give me a minute to look through my pics.

There may be another pic or two that I like quite a lot as well, but this pic right here... I love it. I don't feel like I have ever in my life looked hotter than in this pic. Crooked half-smile, red punk rock spots in my hair, shoulder and chest muscles, tank top... yes. I am hot. haha. I like it when I feel like I look good in pics. I did, for a long time, love the way I looked. A few years ago, I was really extremely happy with how much I weighed and how I looked. I felt like I looked fantastic. I've gained some weight since, that I have been trying very hard to lose. Back on the diet today, after a few weeks of partying it up for people visiting and my birthday and all. Despite the weight, though, this pic... was perfect. I didn't look at all fat. I looked good. I want to feel like I look that way all the time. I miss that feeling. 

It takes a lot to lose weight, and I don't have a ton to lose, just a little, so I can only imagine how it feels for someone who has a lot they are trying to get rid of. It can be a very daunting task, I'm sure. Just take it one step at a time. Celebrate the little victories, get a little bit of exercise every day. It doesn't have to be 2 hours at the gym, just get up and walk up and down your street once. Do something! You CAN do it. Buy a couple of cheap weights and just do curls and presses while you're watching tv. I struggle with the motivation to work out, too, believe me. It's a daily battle, and some days I lose! Don't beat yourself up over it. Just move on to the next day. You really can do it.

Anyway. That's all I have to say I guess. Back to work today. I close tonight, have to be up super early tomorrow for the Memorial Marathon, then back at work at 10am. Ugh. Going to be a long weekend. At least I am the late late shift Monday and Tuesday, then off again Wednesday. So that will be quite lovely.

Hope you all enjoy your weekend. 

Back on track, yo

Alright! Hitting day 20 while it's here!

Day 20 - Nicknames!
This is a fun one. Let me just make a list of all the things people regularly call me.

Number one - Abs. I sign all of my emails this way with my coworkers. Most of the people at work call me that. Most of my close friends call me that when they are talking to me. It's also part of my drag name, haha. I will answer to "Abs" pretty easily.

Second most common - Abicus. This one was dubbed to me back in junior high. It really only gets used by the people I've known the longest, and I use it for things of mine. It's really more of a title in some ways. "The Almighty Abicus" or "Jedi Abicus" or the like.

Those are the two most commonly used, I think. Let's look at other things I have ever been called:
Ablers
Abner
Abika
Abbinator
Abs of Steel
Abbigator
Abbey-normal (har har)
Abigail (don't even try. just my tae kwon do instructor calls me this)
Abbeykins

That's all I can think of. :)

isn't 2 better than 3? no?

Well, I only have to catch up for 2 days instead of 3. That's better, right? It means I'm getting better. Now, maybe I'm not keeping up with it every single day, but I'm keeping up with it a few times a week, which is much better than what I was doing before (like once every 3 months). That was the whole point anyway, so... here we go!

Day 18 - Favorite Place to Eat
Wow. I don't even know if I can answer that question! I am a fat kid at heart. I love food, I love eating, I love... well. Food. But restaurant-wise? Hmm... I'm gonna have to go with Saii. Delicious sushi, absolutely delicious. Not quite as delicious as Uchi in Austin, but I prefer the atmosphere at Saii, and their food is definitely delicious. Another good place is Rok Bistro in San Jose, California. Or! Or a good hibachi grill, like Musashi's. Nom nom nom. Dang... now I'm hungry. I want some sushi. And some good fried rice. Mmmmm... I may have to find some good food tomorrow.

Day 19 - Something You Miss
Another loaded question. I miss my best friends, my Nicki and my Cupcake. lol. I miss my pretty one. I miss Harley. I miss Granny. I miss not having adult things to worry about. I miss having abs, and weighing about 15 lbs less. I miss when it didn't matter what I ate. I miss early morning texts, emails of poetry and song lyrics. I miss love.

Sigh.

Man. I'm a winner.

I'm clearly doing *really* well at this. Being that I am, again, 3 days behind.

Day 15 - Bible Verse
This is one of my favs. Always has been, always will be.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." - Phillipians 4:6

I do not do a very good job at living by this verse, but it always reminds me somehow, when I need to hear it, that I need to realize it's ok to not be in control of everything. Just to trust God, let him be in charge, and know it will all be ok.


Day 16 - Dream House
So... I find that to be an odd topic. I assume that a lot of people have some sort of picture of what their dream house will look like, different features it will have, a particular location, or some such. I have no such... anything. My dream home is somewhere with my, the person I love, not too far from work (preferably within walking/biking distance), with enough room for our dogs as well. That's really all I need.


Day 17 - Something you are looking forward to
Many things right now. Let's list them, shall we?
1. Nicki getting here. YAY! Just a little more time...
2. My birthday. Also YAY! but also... a little... omg I'm getting old. :\
3. The memorial marathon! I'm on a team with some people from work and I am super pumped about it. I always wanted to participate in it (on a team) so I'm excited I am getting to do that.
4. Being in shape :\ I am trying! Maybe it will pay off and show up soon.
5. My second nephew's birth. Should be July or August, I believe.

Now. Let's see if I can keep up from here on out :)

well. oops.

Ok. Sunday... Sunday I had a *really* bad day, and I ended up staying out with a friend a bit late, just to calm myself down. Then Monday, I *was* going to come right home after work, but a friend had a crisis, and then everyone was at this guys' bachelor party, and I didn't want them to all think me super lame. so I was out too late that night, too. so. here you go.

Day 12 - something you don't leave the house without.

This will be a short and easy one. My phone. I have actually turned around and come back to the house, risking being late to work and appointments, if I realize I have left it on my dresser or something. I may have an addiction.


Day 13 - Goals

Wow. That's quite a question. I sort of feel like I'm at the point where I need to reevaluate some things and reset some goals for the shorter term. However, I guess over some long term time, a few goals:

1. to visit all 50 states (just what... 19 to go?)
2. To finish another triathalon in a much more acceptable time
3. to finish a 5k in less than 30 minutes
4. to move somewhere. even if I don't stay there for the rest of my life. just for a while, to get out of Oklahoma, and get some experience elsewhere.
5. to get my body back to where I feel comfortable being in just a sports bra and shorts

Day 14 -
Day 14 is interested. It's supposed to be a picture of yourself from last year and how you have changed.

This is how I looked almost exactly a year ago. Honestly... I could not have been more unhappy at that time. I was living (essentially) alone. I was in an awful, completely ridiculous, emotionally abusive relationship. I *hated* my full time job, more than I have ever hated any job in my life. I was spending spending spending money. I was having to cut friends out of my life for stupid reasons. I wasn't working out. I was miserable.

In a year... so much has changed. I am renting my house to someone and living with my parents. I was able to leave the job that sucked and become full time at a place that I love more than any job I have ever had. I know that this place is where I intend to stay. I have so many friends that want to be around me and spend time with me. I exercise pretty hardcore 4-7 days a week. I am saving (some) money. I am not in that awful relationship. I am in love with someone, who I currently cannot have, but despite the fact that it does make me unahppy... I am not miserable. I miss her, this wonderful woman. I know that if I never get to be with her, I will not die from it. I'll be sad, but I'll be ok. My life won't end. I just would rather not have life without her. Life with her is so much better.

But anyway... all that to say... I am SO much, a thousand times happier and in a better place than I was a year ago. I love. I am loved. I am amazing. I am fantastic at my job. I love my friends and coworkers. 

I am better. :) Much, much better.

bump in the road...

I'm home a tad late tonight. I'll update tomorrow for today and tomorrow :)

Movin' Right Along

Ok! Day 11, and still going strong! I'm pretty proud of myself. If I can get into a good habit of updating, even if it's not really about anything, then I'll keep it updated regularly, which was a goal of mine. Not that anyone reads it, but I suppose that's beside the point. I'm just proud of myself for keeping up so far.

But, enough of that, onto the days subject. Today: Favorite tv shows.

My favorite tv show of all time... is Friends. I cannot get enough of that show. If nothing else is on, if I need something to veg out to or just have on in the background, I will watch Friends. It always makes me happy, it always makes me laugh. I've probably seen each episode 100 times. (Sad, isn't it?) They still make me laugh just as much as the first time. Judge me if you must, but no show will ever be as good.

Let's see, how about some shows that are currently on television? Biggest Loser. Desperate Housewives. Modern Family. The Middle. Community. That show about the guy in India and the telemarketing company... I forget what it's called. Scrubs.

I really don't often watch many of these shows. I also will watch Frasier, That 70s Show, and According to Jim. I occasionally watch some of the crime shows (CSI, Law & Order, Criminal Minds), but that's pretty much it. And honestly, the only things I regularly keep up with are Biggest Loser and Desperate Housewives. Everything else is just random, like if I'm hanging out at the house and Mom and Dad are watching an episode of something. I don't have enough time to keep up with anything else! TV is not that important to me anymore. I have Friends on a lot when I'm doing stuff around the house, but... yeah. Plenty of other stuff that I have to do. :)

is it really just fear itself?

Day 10 is something you are afraid of.

There are a few things I'm afraid of. They are all pretty lame fears, I think. Let's start with the lamest.

Crickets. It's pretty ridiculous how a cricket will render me completely incapable of doing anything, really. Everyone says "it's not like they can hurt you!" That's not the point!! They're disgusting, and I don't want them on me. They're also erratic. They jump, and you never know where or when, and some of them can fly. You never know where they will end up, and I do not like that about them. Also, they are loud and chirpy. I may have been traumatized by them at some point as a child. I also occasionally have nightmares where crickets are chasing me. Usually giant crickets. Normal crickets are bad enough, just imagine if they were giant ones.

People have also said "you're a black belt! why are you afraid of a little cricket??" You know, "black belt" means nothing to a cricket. They are not afraid of ninjas, pirates, small or large. If you are in their way, they will jump on you and spread their nastiness! Chirping, jumping, creeping... YUCK.

Anyway. I guess I can share something that's a little less ridiculous.

I'm quite afraid of ending up alone. I don't like being alone. Sometimes I do, for sure. I think everyone enjoys a little alone time. You can watch whatever you want on tv, have the lights set just right, eat some stuff, dance around like a loon if you feel so inclined, and no one is there to be irritated or say anything or get in your way. Ultimately, though... I like it when I have someone to crawl in bed next to and snuggle and talk til we fall asleep. Someone to cuddle up on the couch with and watch movies and just veg out. Someone to take to dinner to talk about our days. Someone to text and tell everything to, call when something exciting or bad happens...

I'm very much wired to love someone, to be there for them, take care of them, share life together. So it really sucks. Especially when I feel like I found that someone and I've gotta be without her right now. It's hard to go from having that person to not. I have all these things that I want to say, that I feel... but I have to keep them inside right now.

Just the way it goes right now, I guess. But still. I don't really want to end up alone.

And we all know what pictures are worth...

This blog is supposed to be a favorite picture of your best friend. I have a few best friends, and large numbers of pictures of each of them. Except for Nicki. Nicki understands me like few people do, but she hates pictures. So... Nicki: I don't have any pictures of you. I blame you for this. But don't feel left out. You got mentioned first ;)

Megan is next up. I've known Megan for... I think 7 years, now. We became friends very quickly, decided to live together for a year in college, and have been pretty much inseparable since. Despite the fact that she was married for a while and now lives in Seattle. She always gets me. Even when we get in fights, we both know what the other means, we just don't like hearing it. :)

This picture (above) is... well. Us in a nutshell. Completely ridiculous.

That's Megan. With the foot in the air. Cracks me up to this day.

Lori is up next. Lori and I have known each other for almost 27 years now. That is a LONG time. We don't see each other super often, and we don't talk just a ton, but we still stay in contact. We make time to see each other a couple of times a year, we chat online some, we (very rarely, mainly because I hate being on the phone) chat on the phone, and we pretty much just pick up where we left off every time we hang out. Most people don't have any relationship for that long, so to think that in another 27 years, we will have known each other for 50+ years... not many people get a relationship like that.

Lee is next. I have known Lee for... Only 3 years. I can't imagine my life without him. We don't spend as much time together as we used to, but I still consider him one of the people I can tell anything to. Granted, he does also do my hair now, so I suppose you have to be able to have that relationship with your hair dresser... but I love him. He listens to my crying and ranting, he's been there for me so many times when nobody else could be, and I love him.

I have one more. I can't really talk about her, though. She's not really allowed to be even my friend right now. It sucks. It hurts a lot. I miss her. It's hard to have someone you trust and tell *everything* to, and then all of a sudden not be able to talk to them. I just... I miss her. I miss what we had.

I guess I should consider myself lucky, though. To have so many good friends. They've been very good to me, and I can never thank them enough for their friendship. I only hope I've been there for them somehow over the years. I have more friends who I love and can't imagine my life without, but... that could turn into a really really long list! Hopefully I won't offend anyone if I didn't mention them, haha. But... I think only 3 people read this anyway. ;)

Travelin' Light

Day 8 is "a place you have traveled to". That is a very long list, as I am quite a little traveler and have been many places. Where should we talk about? Europe? Mexico? One of the 30-something states I've been to? I don't even know where to start! I'm not really in the mood to go into detailed stories about places right now, so let's just list places I have been. We will start with the United States, as one of my goals in life is to visit all 50.

Washington
California
Arizona
New Mexico
Nevada
Utah
South Dakota
Nebraska
Kansas
Colorado
Oklahoma
Texas
Arkansas
Missouri
Indiana
Illinois
Ohio
Tennessee
Alabama
Louisiana
Georgia
West Virginia
Pennsylvania
Virginia
Maryland
New York
Florida
New Jersey
Iowa
Wisconsin
Mississippi

Ok. I thought I had been to about 32 or 33 states or so. Apparently I was wrong. I'm hoping to be able to hit at least one more new state before September of this year. I had set a goal to visit 3 new states by September of this year, and I've been to one... I just didn't really have anyone to go with to some places. Hawaii and Alaska will be the difficult ones. I am going to hit all of them, though. :) Mainly, because I have a map with magnets for each state, and I only allow myself to put the magnet up when I've been to the state. I *will* be able to have all of those magnets up there!!

Other places that I have been to:
Mexico
Holland
France
Germany
Belgium
Great Britain (the airport, anyway)
Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
Belize
Honduras

Since we are talking about travel... let's talk about some places I would still like to go and visit (outside of the United States):
Italy
Scotland
Ireland
Great Britain (outside of the airport, thank you very much)
Australia
Spain
China

Will I ever visit all of those places? PLUS the states I need to make it to? PLUS get back to France and actually go in the Louvre, go back to Germany or Holland? Who knows. I will make it to some of them, though. I quite love travel. Especially when you have someone to travel with that you really like being around. :)

and time for daaaaay 7!

Day 7 is your favorite movies. I'm not sure this is really a very exciting blog post, but I guess some of these are just to get to know me better. (and also to give me something to talk about)

Let's go through a few of my favorite movies, in no particular order.

1. Star Wars
Really, if you know me at all, this is not surprising. I don't care which one it is, 1-6. I love them all, they are wonderful, they are an incredible, beautiful story (ignoring Hayden Christenson's awful acting in Epi. 2) of good verses evil. Still watching Episode 3 makes me cry. I love the stories, the characters, there's excitement, romance, action, surprises, and best of all... lightsabers. How much better could it be??

2. Harry Potter
All of them. I *love* these movies, and they are some that I will watch just about any time they are on tv. Which is lame, because I own them all, and could just pop them into the DVD player, but I'm very lazy. :) I love these movies, though. I think everyone wants to believe in magic a little bit. The little kid inside of them does. How fun would it be? Flying brooms, magic trains, duels with wands... excitement, right? Plus, they're just good movies. It's another great good vs. evil story.

3. Hairspray (2008 edition)
I will watch this movie any time. It reminds me of happy times. It makes me happy to watch it. I love the music, their soundtrack is just fantastic. John Travolta *cracks* me up. I love it and I will watch it at any time. It never gets old for me.

4. Enchanted
Another just amazing movie. Disney poking fun at itself a bit, and I love a good bit of sarcasm. Amy Adams is absolutely perfect for the role, James Marsden is hilarious, the music is great... every role was brilliantly cast. The whole thing is just completely adorable. If you ever need a movie to make you smile, this is the one.

I think the only other movies that I watch pretty regularly are the Miss Congeniality movies, The Devil Wears Prada, um... I'm sure there are a few others, but really, those are the main ones. I highly recommend them all.

Day Six, Pick up Sticks!

Not really.

Day six is a picture of something that makes you happy. I'm not in a super chatty mood so here you go.

My goofy dog. He is funny. And always so happy. He likes to run and jump and wiggle. 

It makes me happy.

Friends, food, fun... f-words? lol. I love my friends.

Playing with my freaking adorable nephew. Can't really be anything but happy when he's around.

Awesome art. Music. Photography. The sky. Beauty.

There are other things that make me happy, that just sort of skims the surface. I know I am very often sad and emo and upset and... many other depressing words. I am just a very deep feeling, emotional person, and there is one thing I want more than anything in the world. Not having it makes me very unhappy. I get even more unhappy when I feel like I'm close to having it and then it gets taken away from me. But. In spite of all of that, there are many many things that still make me happy.

Day 5!

Alright! Going strong with the 30 day blogging challenge. Today is "a song to match your mood." My mood is pretty much what it usually is - wondering why I'm not good enough, and when I will be. I found my person, and I guess I'm just not where she wants to be right now. It's fair, I guess. I mean... she has a lot of other stuff going on. And even if I was what she wanted... it's not like she'd be ready for it tomorrow. Just... you find the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with... you don't wanna waste any time not being with them. I have to waste... so much time.


Anyway. Here it is:


What have I done
I wish I could run away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
on my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right
To get it right

Can I start again
With my faith shaken,
Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay
And face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth
That sometimes life isn't fair

I'll send out a wish and I'll send out a prayer
And finally someone will see
How much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take

To get it right
To get it right

Day 4: The Parents

So day 4 is supposed to be about your parents. I'm not entirely sure how that is supposed to go. haha.

My parents are pretty awesome, though. Sometimes they get on my nerves, but whose parents don't ever do that? My parents homeschooled my brothers and me, all through school. I can only imagine the amount of stress that put on them. Plus it's not like it was super cheap! They had to buy so many books, come up with a schedule for us each day, make sure we did all the right things so we would be accepted as graduates, even had to pay for special classes for us.

Homeschoolers (many of them, anyway) participate in co-op classes. Ours was called PET (Parents Educating Teens). We met on Mondays. Many homeschool parents had taught school at some point before, and they signed up to teach different classes: math, science, english, even some fun things like art and drama. We started going to co-op classes in... junior high, I believe. We would go to class on Monday, go over the work for the week, and then have homework to do for the rest of the week. My parents had to pay each of those teachers, buy any books necessary for the class, make sure we had supplies, and even drive us all to class every Monday until we were old enough to do so ourselves. They let us get involved in drama class, even with the extra amount of driving and time it required, let us take other classes elsewhere different days, and still made time to let us hang out with our friends.

My parents did a ton of things for us. Things they didn't have to, things other parents don't necessarily do. Plus, since we were homeschooling, we went on lots of trips. Dad used to go on quite a few trips every year for his work, and quite often we would all go with him. We would leave a few days early so we could drive wherever it was, and make some fun stops along the way. Because of that, I have been to (I think) 30+ of the 50 states.

They taught me so much. They loved me and my brothers, and our friends. They would do just about anything for anyone. They continue to allow random friends of ours to live in their house, like some sort of halfway house for the crazy kids. I can only hope to be half as caring as they are.

Sis-in-law, Mom & bro-in-law being adorable with their Christmas gifts.

Dad being silly with his Christmas present in a Victoria's Secret bag. 

They are silly. But I quite love my parents. They are some of the best. Even when they make me mad. I wouldn't trade them.

Days 2 & 3

So yesterday I got up early, exercised, ate breakfast, showered, made lunch, picked up Teno and made it to work a few minutes early... but then was quite late at a friends house for dinner so did not blog. But I am going to make up for it by posting days 2 AND 3 today. Because I want them to both be in there, and I am trying really hard to not get behind!

Day 2: Meaning Behind Your Blog Name
Well. I don't really feel like I'm meant for this world. I never have. I'm greater than it. I'm bigger than it. Sound a little crazy or a little conceited? Perhaps. It's just a feeling I've always had, for as long as I can remember. I don't consider it a self-serving thing. It's just something I know, but usually don't tell anyone. There are a few other people who understand this feeling. If you're not one of those people, you will probably just see me as some sort of ridiculous, elitist, ego-maniac. I can live with that. I know it's not true.

But anyway. I also am generally so far from the typical of anything. I was never the typical girl, typical sister, typical friend, typical lesbian... Especially in my dating relationships. Do you know how many times I've heard "you're not like everyone else?" I'm not. If you're a friend or someone I've dated, you probably know. I'm quite different from most.

I broke the mold. And this is my life.

************************************

Day 3: Your First Love

Ok. I don't really know where to go with this one. I'm going to be a little funny about it.

Yes. I'm a huge lesbian. lol. It's pretty obvious. But, there was a time in my life where I thought I was straight. Shocking, I know. Also, I do consider myself someone who can appreciate attractiveness, regardless of gender. When I was younger, though, I did think "well... girls like boys. I guess that's just how it's supposed to be." That was a huge part of it. At that time, when I was a preteen, I think, I took part in buying those ridiculous magazines tween girls buy to stare at the numerous pictures of their celebrity heartthrobs. I had a friend who I even occasionally traded pictures with.

She had her walls in her room *covered* in pictures and magazine ads of her "dream hunks". I was not that bad. I think I had some on a bulletin board for a while. Maybe I had a few taped to the closet... I think I did. I think I taped some to my closet door. I kind of remember that. I think my friend even showed me how to use the tape on the backs of the photos, or use some sort of sticky tack, so the corners of the photos wouldn't be ruined or accidentally ripped off.

Anyway. The one man who had my heart for the longest when I was that age, is this:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Oh yes. He had 3 names. And you would say all of them. Or call him JTT, you know, if you were *really* in love with him. I even actually had that ad, I pulled it out of a magazine. I loved that photo.

Sadly, I discovered that he was quite a bit shorter than me, as even at 13, I was an enormous creature, taller than my mom and almost as tall as my dad. Poor JTT is only something like 5'7, if I recall. So, we never could have worked out, anyway. I'm sure he isn't really into amazon women. ;) But, I'm not gonna lie. Even now... he was pretty freaking adorable.

30 Day Blog Challenge

I saw a few other people doing a 30 day blog challenge, and I thought what better way to attempt to keep up with my blog than with a challenge. Maybe if I have something to write about, I'll actually do it? Who knows. But worth a shot. :) I'd like to have a little more up here.

Day 1: 15 interesting facts about myself and a recent picture.

1. I LOVE my job. I work for the best company in the world
2. I played football on a professional women's team for a season. I quit after that because I'm not very good, it takes a LOT of time, and I seriously hurt my knee
3. I still want to be Batman
4. I will ditch pretty much anyone to spend time with my 2 year old nephew. He brings such light and happiness to my life, even when he's in a grumpy mood.
5. I lived in Holland for 6 weeks. It was lovely. I sort of miss it some days.
6. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and put my whole heart into everything. Sometimes I wish I didn't, but I don't know how to live otherwise.
7. I'm a Drag King. A pretty damn good one, if I do say so myself. It's a lot of fun, and I'd like to compete in a pageant.
8. I'm a black belt in tae kwon do
9. I love cloudy days
10. I am a dog person. Dachshunds are my favorite. They have a really funny personality and they are very odd little creatures. Kind of like myself :)
11. My favorite form of exercise: Dance Dance Revolution.
12. I'm very proud of my biceps. I have worked and continue to work very hard on maintaining amazing arms.
13. Fastest way to my heart: Cook me a meal. I hate to cook. I love to eat.
14. I'll take Little Caesars Pizza over any other pizza. I think it's the most delicious pizza I've ever eaten.
15. I want, more than anything, someone to love and share my life with.

and so it goes

Well. I haven't had a whole lot to say this last week. Not surprising, considering my life has pretty much consisted of working out and watching Friends seasons. It's been a little boring at times, but it's been good for me, I think. I do feel ready to get back to work, and hopefully I will be in a place to do my best. I was in pretty desperate need of a real break.

Pretty One comes back tonight. I won't see her. I'll see her tomorrow... I had hoped that her trip would give her a reason to choose me. There was a chance, I suppose. There's always a chance. But it didn't. Last night she let me know she had indeed decided to go with her original plan. It's fair. She needs to do what's best for her, and if that's what it is... then that's where we are. I just always hoped I would be good enough that the obvious choice would be me. I understand... to an extent. Not completely, because I've never been on that side of it.

I really didn't think this would happen with her. I really, really thought this would be it. But I think this is further proof that I am just everyone's footnote in their happy little lives. Not that I assume all of my exes are happy, but that's just what it seems like a lot of the time. Footnote.

Anyway. Here we go. Again.

Stay-cation

Today, I don't have to go to work. In fact, I don't have to go back to work until next Thursday. Furthermore, I don't really have to do much of anything until next Thursday. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am.

I will most likely do a few things around the house - keep it cleaned up, vacuum, maybe dust, keep the dishes put away from the dishwasher, help with laundry. I don't want to just be a complete bum for a week. However, the majority of my time, I plan to spend working out, watching Friends, and playing video games. I'm going to save money this week, I'm going to stick to my diet pretty well, and I'm going to feel rested and ready to get back to work.

I already feel great right now, actually. Though I'm not very excited about having to call my insurance agent. I hate calling people. I hate it. I don't know why. I wish people would just do stuff the first time I call and ask, so that I wouldn't have to call a second time. But whatever.

I don't really have a whole lot of exciting things to say right now. I just really am preparing to spend a lot of time working out and relaxing. And trying not to eat all the time :) I want to stick to my diet pretty well, and see if I can lose a couple of pounds before I get back to work. I haven't been sticking too well lately, so I am a little stuck. I suppose it's alright, I shouldn't expect to lose 5 lbs every week. It just sucks that I can't! I'd feel so much more excited about it if that were the case. I'd also be much more excited if I could just ramp up my metabolism to allow me to eat whatever I want and not gain weight, but whatev.

Maybe I'll have something more interesting to say later. I hope you all enjoy your week :)

3 days

Three days... til I have a full week off. I am extremely excited about this. I haven't had a full week off from work in quite some time. I've had a few days here and there, but not a full week, so I'm pumped. You may ask, what am I going to do in that time? Go on a trip somewhere exciting? Go on another exotic vacation like a cruise or something? Road trip? No.

I am going to sleep, play video games, and go to the gym.

I know, that sounds super exciting. Believe me, though. Not having anything to do, not having anywhere to be, no responsibilities, nothing to worry about. I may have a few bills come in that I have to pay, but that's pretty much it. I think I will probably go try to see Lori one day, if she isn't too busy. It *is* going to be her anniversary weekend, and I hope she and her husband have something nice planned. But I don't get to see her very often at all, and it would be nice to be able to go spend the day with her.

Past that, I plan to lose about 6 lbs from being at the gym so much! :)

I lost one pound last week. I can accept that. I wasn't perfect, but I think I stayed under 2000 calories every day, and I worked out... 4 or 5 days last week. Plus, it was week 2. Week 2 is notorious for not allowing much weight loss, for pretty much everyone. I hope, though, that at the end of the week of my vacation, I will have gotten down 10 lbs. That'll be 10lbs in 4 weeks, and that would be really nice.

I don't really feel any thinner. I don't feel like I look any thinner yet. I just want my mid section to be less hanging over my pants :P Pretty sure if I had lots of money, I'd get some of that lunch-time lipo done just so I wouldn't have to worry about the dieting, and could feel better about how I look NOW.

I don't know why everything about my life is a test in patience. Bleh.

Three more days.

if ever it was enough

well. I'm almost through week 2 of the diet. It seems to be going pretty well. I've saved a lot of money, that's for sure. Last week, I lost 5 lbs. I don't know where I'm at this week, if I will lose anything. But... I do feel like I am doing much better. I am eating healthier, I am eating less, I am exercising more. I go out with friends and I might have a beer or two once a week. My friends ordered chips and salsa yesterday, and I had all of 3 chips.

it's killing me a little bit.

I *love* food. It's not right that all the good food is bad for you and has tons of calories. I want some ice cream, man! A cheeseburger, a pizza... to eat it down on some chips and salsa or hummus or something. But I am good. Stuffing yourself isn't good. It's ok to eat whatever you want, it's just not really ok to eat huge portions or not eat vegetables and fruit. But... dear goodness, I want a milkshake.

I miss the pretty girl. I... cannot be with her now. Not anymore. Not unless she is willing to be with just me and only me. Oh, I'm so afraid that she never will. I'm so afraid that I will not be enough. The way I love her, how much I love her, will not be enough. I have barely spoken to her today, and it is terrible. My heart misses her. My heart cries quietly, as I have lost my love. I don't know what to do without talking to her. Without making plans with her. Without seeing her or telling her how much I love her.

I now just wait. She goes on a trip next week, to see her best friend. I am so afraid she will go up there, and then come back, and just... well.

I'm ready for things to be different. I'm ready for her to choose to be mine. Will that ever happen? :\ I have no idea. I hope. I hope every day. And I hope it doesn't take her long to realize that I'm what would make her happy. Oh, how I hope...

So much to do. So much to get done. So much... that I wish she wouldn't miss.

New things

Well, I started a diet on Sunday this week. I have about 20 lbs I need to lose to be able to get back down to the mid range of a healthy BMI, and to be able to have my clothes fitting about like they used to (as opposed to being a little bit tight). I miss my six-pack. Hahah. I miss my clothes fitting. I miss not feeling fat and gross.

I do realize that in comparison to many people, I am not "fat and gross." I think, though, that everyone has a weight and body look that they are happy with, and I was at mine around 20 lbs ago. I do not like looking the way I currently look naked. I used to be ok with it, but I am currently not. I want to show off my back tattoo and not feel like anyone will be judging me for my fat belly hanging over my pants, ha. My goal is to be ready by Pride, which I think is a perfectly acceptable time frame. I do, however, need to find some sort of bra that supports by wrapping around my neck instead of my back. I imagine I will be pretty girly looking that day... but then I'll have baggy shorts sagging and probably a bandana to make up for it. :)

The diet is going quite well. My family and I are using Nutrisystem. It's actually pretty easy to follow. It's nice to be able to know exactly what to eat. I get to eat pretty well, they have all kinds of things in their menu: pancakes, omelets, lasagna, tuna, cookies... it's really just all about the right portion size and avoiding eating foods with lots of calories and fats, eating more fruits and vegetables, etc. It's hard sometimes, because I'm used to snacking whenever I feel like, on whatever is available. So I've had some cravings for popcorn or chips or pizza. I'm trying to get through the first couple of weeks, though, without eating off the plan, and then I will allow myself to occasionally eat out. I think the important thing is just portion size, and avoiding lots of dressings or high carbs, etc.

Anyway. I've also been working out every day. Lots of cardio! haha. And I've decided to hit the gym for weights 2-3 times a week. It has helped that I have been closing this week. Going in to work later means I can sleep in a bit, get up, have breakfast, work out, watch a little tv, and get my lunch and dinner together. I will be sad to switch to an earlier shift next week, but maybe I will be able to focus on changing yet another habit: going to bed at a decent hour. :)

I slept a bit late today, so I should probably get around now. I ate breakfast, played with my dog a bit and have been watching tv. I need to exercise, shower and then get my stuff together for work tonight.

Day 4, bring it on!

I'm miles from where you are

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms
-Snow Patrol

I heard this song a few times recently, and I had to look it up. The sound of it... was beautiful. It was one of those things that was just so sad and lovely. I hadn't really heard the lyrics at all, I just fell in love with the music of it. But then I heard all the lyrics, and oh my... it was so beautiful. So sad and so beautiful. It's my song for my Juliet, who I cannot be with.

Last night I was with her. For the first time in 3 weeks, I finally got to see her again. I took her out for dinner, since we had missed Valentine's Day. Gave her the gifts I had gotten her while I was gone. And then... had to tell her that we couldn't spend time together until she is ready to be wholly mine.

Let me just tell you how much that sucks.

She understood. She agreed. There is no way that she can figure herself out and work out her own stuff with me there telling her how much I love her all the time. It's scary to not do that. It's scary to not text her, to not call her, to not leave her messages and remind her how much I love her. I hate this. I hate not being with her. I hate not talking to her. I hate... missing her.

Thankfully, I have lots of friends who I am going to surround myself with. I have lots of time I need to spend at the gym. I have lots of things that I need to be doing to keep my mind off the fact that I hate being without her.

When you find that one person that knows you better than you know yourself... without you even having to tell them some things. She knows things about me that I don't even recognize in myself. I don't know how she can read me that well. But then... I read her the same way.

This is going to be really, really hard.

Email I decided not to send.

I miss you. First of all. It has been *way* too long since I've seen you. It has been way too long since I've held you or kissed you. The thought of coming home and not being with you... makes me dread coming home. At least being out here I can excuse it. I know you're going to have to say no, you can't be with me Saturday night. Or any night. Cause if you are with me, I'll want you to be with me. And I won't want to go back to not. But I'll have to. I would have told GT mornings and mids if you were mine. Just to be able to spend time with you. But it doesn't really matter right now, I guess. I won't get to spend time with you anyway.

I'm depressed right now. Teetering on it, anyway. It's clearly not good for both of us to be having a hard time at the same time. I wanted to cry for most of Sunday. I have wanted to cry every night since. I am so alone out here. This is why I would never move somewhere on my own. I can't handle it. If I had somebody, I'd be fine. But I don't. I have no one. I don't have a dog. Or friends. Family. A girlfriend. My own car. I almost wish Michael and Zach had come this last weekend instead. Maybe that would have helped me push through this last bit. 

You know, my parents have really tried to be there. I haven't really been too talkative with them, and I feel bad about that. They are being really supportive. I just... they aren't the ones I want to talk to every day. My brain is so tired. I do miss them. They go out of their way to make sure I know they are missing me and thinking about me. I'm lucky for that.

I know it's only 3 days. But 3 days is so long. And I am so, so lonely. And so... sad. And no one seems to really understand the extent. Maybe it's just that everyone else has accepted that there's nothing to be done about it and I'll be home soon. But that's not what I need. 

Maybe I expect too much.

I've always wanted to great at something. You know? Doesn't everybody want that? To be great at something. To have something that everyone says "oh, yeah! that was so amazing!" You know what I'm great at? Nothing. I'm good at plenty of things. I'm good at playing the piano, when I practice. I'm good at working out, when I do it. I'm good at drag, cause I actually put some effort into it. I guess I'm a good genius. I've never been really great at anything, though. Piano, guitar, drums, singing, football, softball, tae kwon do sparring, taking tests, teaching, writing... I can do those things. 

If I fail this test... that's just one more thing. One more thing I'm only ok at. Everyone else passed, Abbey. Why didn't you? You're supposed to be smart. You're supposed to learn quickly. You're supposed to be good at this. You're not really good at it, are you? You're not really good at very much of anything. Screwing up. That, you're great at. Making bad choices. You're a pro. You would win the award, in fact.

And you know what else? I am... disgusted with myself right now. I can not stand to see myself naked. I am... disgusting. I wish I didn't like food. I want to get home and go to the gym every day. I am so mad that PR and I didn't really decide to start working out together until right before I left. I'm really mad he hurt himself. I'm really mad... that I look like this. That I weigh what I do. That I haven't really hardly worked out in over a year, and my arms are weak and pathetic looking. I am so, so disgusting. I know you don't think so. No one does.  But I am. You can't see it. Other people can't see it. This is.... awful. AWFUL. I used to be so happy with myself. I was one of the few people that was ok with being naked and catching a glimpse of themself in the mirror. I wasn't exactly perfect, but I felt good about myself. I don't now. I feel fat and ugly and disgusting. I hate pictures of myself, cause I'm usually not paying attention and you can see my belly hanging over my pants and my fat ass hanging out around my huge hips and thighs. I *hate* myself right now. I want to get home and fix it.

So. I know you have a lot that's going on. I shouldn't really expect you to realize what all is going on with me right now. I also shouldn't expect for it to matter all that much. You aren't mine. I just... I expected it to. Because you still pretend to be mine. Or maybe you really are. You're just too scared to say so.

I wish you would say so. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being useless. I'm tired of being lazy. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of not being enough.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.

love is in the air?

Oh, Valentine's Day.

You will come to find, dear Reader, if you continue to follow my blog and spy on my life ;) that I very much enjoy holidays. I like to make a big deal out of holidays and birthdays. I don't know why; my parents used to make a big deal out of them, which probably explains it. I screwed up New Years' this year... but that is past now, time to move on. What is the next big holiday?

Valentine's Day.

Hated by many. Loved by some. Seen as ridiculous by others. Personally... I love it. Yes, you should show your significant other (and your friends and family) daily how you feel about them. Or if not daily, at least often. Not just on one day of the year. Yet... what's wrong with a special day of the year just to focus on love? Do you have to have someone you are dating? No. Just show love. Tell everyone you love how you feel, so they know. It doesn't have to be about not having a date.

That being said.

I have just spent Valentine's Day alone, in class, out of town, away from everyone I love... and alone. If not for my bff texting me, I wouldn't have really had much of anything.

I sent flowers to the Pretty One. She isn't really into holidays or birthdays. She has also been having quite a rough time, dealing with some things. But I sent her flowers. Nothing huge, just some lilys, because I know she loves them. She said thank you a few times. Said I kept her from being able to continue to be angry about being awake all day.

I didn't expect anything. I know she doesn't like holidays, so I don't pretend to think she will suddenly love them and start making a big deal out of them. I just... haven't really gotten to talk to her in 3 days. Two of those days she's been in an extremely bad mood. Today she was in a bad mood. Til she got home and her friends came over... but I couldn't talk to her then, cause she had people over.

I guess it doesn't really matter. She's got stuff to deal with. we aren't really together. I shouldn't expect anything at all, really.

I'm just lonely. I've been away from home a very long time. I miss my friends. I don't like being this alone. I haven't hugged anyone since my brother and his man left from visiting me. I'm tired of being here. I'm ready to go home.

Happy Fucking Valentine's.

what you see from the outside

Things I have learned so far on this trip:

1. I can totally survive without my own car. It's difficult for my control issues, and I don't *really* like it. But I can make it just fine.

2. I'm not happy with how I look. Most of you can't really see it, because it's really just about how I look naked. I used to look a ton better. I used to be a ton more comfortable with myself. But then I got extremely depressed, a little lazy, and turned 25+, and I gained some weight I have yet to get rid of. Lost a little tone... The nice thing is, though, that it's not out of hand yet. I have plenty of time to get back to where I want to be. When I get home, as I've been planning all along, I'm hitting the gym like a mad woman. I have 4 months to lose about 16 pounds and get back in the shape I was happy with. Completely able to accomplish that, as long as I buckle down and do what I need to do: actually keep track of what I eat, and get to the gym/tae kwon do daily.

3. I could move somewhere. I could move out of Oklahoma and be ok. As long as I moved with someone (like a significant other). I would be able to do that. I would miss my family, but I think it would help me grow in some other ways. Will I ever actually move? Who knows. It'd be good for my career to move at some point. We will just have to see where things take me.

4. I don't like sitting all day. It's been a nice change of scenery, but I miss running all over the floor, checking in with people, and my feet being exhausted at the end of the day.

5. The people that really matter... have let me know, in some way, that they miss me. It was pretty much who I figured it would be. A couple surprises. But some people have made an effort to let me know they haven't forgotten about me. That is a nice thing. I very much miss them.

I'm ready to get home.

5 more days.

Does it really matter?

So. This time at training is a serious lesson in control for me, or lack thereof. Like I mentioned before, I am sharing a car with 3 guys. They are pretty cool about it, no one tries to have the car all the time or act like no one else can use it. So that's pretty nice. However, until tonight, I haven't driven anything since January 30.

That is very weird for me. I like to drive. My Taurus was always a big, roomy vehicle, and I enjoyed being the one to drive people around. I usually drank the least, or wouldn't drink at all, when we went out to the clubs, so I ended up being the one to drive. When I sold the Taurus and got a new vehicle, I wanted to make sure I got something that would be big enough for people, a good road trip car. Have room for luggage and such. That's why I went with an SUV. I really like being the driver.

I also... have some serious control issues. I don't like being stuck somewhere without a car, I don't like being at someone else's mercy, and I don't like to not be the one driving. Even when my girl and I go out, or most of the time when I go out somewhere with my friends. I am driving.

A third, more minor issue, is my motion sickness. But usually, as long as I'm in the front, I'm ok.

All that being said, not being the one to drive everywhere, or even anywhere, really, has been really strange for me. Thankfully, tonight all the boys had a beer, and I had nothing. They were all a little more comfortable having me drive, just in case we got pulled over for any reason. It was nice to be the driver again!

I am actually half way through this now. It's actually been quite nice to be away from home for this long. Not having to do just the normal routine for so long is quite refreshing. But. I am going to be ready to get home. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my dog. I'm kind of over being in a place where I don't really know people, don't have my own car, and have to worry about upcoming tests! Haha. Ok, ok. I am loving it here. It's wonderful, it's relaxing in many ways, the weather is gorgeous, the food is delicious, and it's a change of scenery in many ways. But yes, I'm ready to get home.

Just a little longer. Just a little more to learn.

maybe it's not so bad

Ok. So. It's kinda weird being alone, not really knowing anyone. Having to trust other people to get you where you need to be when you need to be there. It's very, very strange. However... it's not that bad.

I am in a car with 3 young men. We all have class together, we ride to and from the hotel together. We make sure the other 3 have a ride to lunch or dinner, often going together. Tonight I didn't go with them. One of my car buddies was going to dinner with a friend of his that is here. The other two invited me to go with them after one got a hair cut, but my allergies have really been bothering me all day and I am so exhausted. I ordered a pizza, took a hot bath, and have been laying on my bed. I will be sleeping quite soon. I don't want to be sick.

I am kind of enjoying this, though. I would enjoy it more if I had my own car and someone I was close to with me. But. This is kind of a cool experience. I mean... Proof that I would rather not ever move somewhere alone to restart my life. Maybe with someone, a significant other I think. It's a cool experience, though, like I said. I think it's probably good for me. It's also very nice to be away from home, away from my life, away from just the normal every day things. It already feels like I've been gone forever, honestly. It is definitely still work, but it still feels a little bit like vacation. No, I'm not drinking or partying or going crazy. I've actually had the lights off by 11:30 at the latest the last couple nights. It's 10:30 now and I plan to hit the sack as soon as I'm done with this blog entry. If I was feeling better, I would be getting up again tomorrow at 6:50 to hit the gym! So I'm hoping I can kick whatever it is that is bothering my throat. But... this is really quite good for me.

I know this isn't a very exciting blog entry. There isn't really much I can say. I just wanted to write that I am certainly enjoying this. But I miss my friends, my family, and that beautiful girl.

strange surroundings

Well. I'm here in California for 3 weeks. Training for 3 weeks. Living alone in a hotel room for 3 weeks. Not being the one with the car keys.

This will be interesting.

Got here not long ago, to the hotel, that is. Kinda getting settled. Trying to find the courage to text the guy who I shared a car with on the way here and see if maybe he wants to go find some food or something. I don't really want to just be stuck here all evening. I also want to make sure he waits for me in the morning! I need to be sure I have a ride to work. I'm just... this is not my personality, to do this kind of thing. Go somewhere that I don't know anyone. It's kind of scary. It's *really* scary, actually. I don't know anyone. I don't have my own car. I don't know what I'm going to do for dinner, or if I need to go get something...

Well. This will be new for me in all kinds of ways.

I think it will be better once class actually starts tomorrow. Then we will kind of meet people, get to work, start spending time together. Yeah. It will be ok then. It's just... going to be weird until then.

Maybe I'll go to bed early.

Don't get me wrong. I'm super pumped to be here. I'm so excited to get to work tomorrow. Just... I don't really know what to do right now.

headed for a heartbreak

"Now we're headed for a heart, heart, heart break

And I don't ever, ever wanna hear you say

Don't say you love me, don't even

Don't say you love me, you're leaving."

-Boys Like Girls

That, right there, is the story of my life. It's not necessarily completely true now, and it's not necessarily completely true in all cases. But I think, at some point in each of my wonderful past experiences that I call "relationships", I have felt part of that paragraph.

You know the feeling. For example, "this isn't going to end well." Have you ever realized that about a relationship? I can, unfortunately, name a few that the previous statement would apply to. Even after being told by other people, "hey, you know, this really isn't a good idea..." I do my own thing, apparently. Doesn't matter what you think. I am stupid.

"Don't say that, it doesn't help anything. It doesn't make it better." The middle two lines of the paragraph of the song apply here. Another couple of relationships I can think of to apply that part to. As I think I mentioned previously, how many times I have heard some form of the following:

"Abbey... you are so perfect. You just love with everything you have, and you make me feel so loved and special. You would do anything for me, and I know that you would. You're just... gosh, you're so perfect. I'm just not in a place where I can be in a relationship right now..."

Really? Is it supposed to sting less because I'm "perfect?" If I was so great, why in the fucking hell would you let me go? Not only let me go, but send me on my way, very quickly. Then, within a month, be with someone else? Don't sugar coat it to spare my feelings. All you have done is give me a complex. I am now convinced I am so far from perfect that no one will ever stay with me for longer than a max of 6 months. I am also convinced that *everyone* who dates me, will end up choosing to go back to their ex or someone that should be in their past. But that's neither here nor there. This is not about a list of my emotional complexes. That's for another day.

Then there's the last line. 

I don't even know what to say about it right now. I don't really know that I can even put into words everything that I'm feeling, and I don't know that I care to try. I want to tell her what I'm feeling... but I can't. She said "I love you"... and left. 

I shouldn't be upset, I guess. I understand. Kind of. Not really. Plus... everybody leaves me. Eventually. So it's not like it's really her fault. She had to.

I hate being me some times.

just smile

So much can change in 3 weeks.

Three weeks doesn't seem like a very long time, from some angles. From others, it seems like it could be an eternity. Overall, though, I think 3 weeks is just enough time for everything to completely change.

I will be gone for three weeks, if you haven't gathered. My semi-recent promotion requires me to become certified, and to do that I am lucky enough to get to travel to California for three whole weeks, to study, learn, take tests, and be awesome. It's pretty exciting. I'll get to be out of town, not really completely have to deal with my life. Not that it won't be fairly prominent in my mind, but at least I won't be in town. I also will not be as available. The time zone there is two hours earlier, I will be in class most every day, and then probably doing a little studying, hitting the gym, and sleeping. The first full weekend I am there, my brother and his significant other are driving up to visit me, and we will be doing a bit of shopping and sight-seeing. It will be wonderful.

I only wish I could be gone longer. I'm sure I won't want to come back. Probably not, though, for the reasons you would assume (weather, more chill environment, etc). I won't want to come back because I don't want to come back to my life.

Who knows what all will happen in three weeks. Based on my previous experiences, however, I think I can safely say that I will not be a fan of whatever ends up happening.

and so it goes

I like that I'm not like everyone else.

I don't always like it. I haven't always liked it, and there are still some days when I don't really. I wish I could just be like this person or that person; more "normal", if you will. Overall, though, I like being me. I like that I am not like everyone else. I am different.

There are good things about being different, for sure. There are also bad things. The bad things are usually the more obvious or apparent things; the things people make fun of you for when you are growing up. The things kids and teenagers hone in on and attack. The good things, you have to search for yourself.

The funny thing is, though, that usually those things that make you different are the things that people fall in love with.

So what's so great about me? I'm not entirely sure. There are some things about me that are special. Different. New. Maybe that's what catches peoples eyes - the differences. I'm not like everybody else, not at all. Honestly, that doesn't always make it very easy. Do you know how many times I've heard "you're great" or "you're perfect" or "you are not like everyone else."

And that's why they leave me. Ironically.

I will never understand people.

hello, hello... this is Romeo...

And she said "Juliet had Romeo. I have you."


Life. Life happens when you aren't expecting something to. Other people make decisions, be they right or wrong, helpful or hurtful, and carry out their choices. You may be in the process of trying to work something out, deal with something, fix something, make something better... but that doesn't always matter to other people. What matters to them is their own issues. The funny part of that is... sometimes they try to make your issues their issues, and they do things to affect you, about things that don't actually affect them.

Sometimes people make decisions you don't want them to make. Or, they choose the path you really hope they don't choose. You understand. You really do. Doesn't mean you have to be happy about it. Because the choice affected you, but it wasn't the one that you felt was best for you. It hurts to have to realize that. Even though you know they made the choice that was best for them.

Sometimes, things happen before they should. Because you are impatient.

And then, in that moment when you are writing vaguely about all the events that have happened recently to affect you in some way, you realize that all this time, all the lessons in patience were supposed to mean something. There really was a reason to learn it all. But you ignored it. You made the choices you wanted to, because you didn't want to wait. And this is where you are at, because you didn't learn it.

Well, shit.

Oh, my Juliet. I will always long for you, until you return to my arms.

maybe, in the future, you're gonna come back...

I want to love you. That's all. I want to spoil you. I want to love you, and all your crazy, and everything that goes on in your head. I want you to be mine. I want to show you that you're worth it and not everybody leaves. Not me, anyway. How could I, when I finally found what it is I was looking for?

I'm the one everybody leaves, you know.

I hope you can find you. I hope you can figure out what it is you want and need. I want it to be about you. I want you to be happy. I'm a little afraid that I'm not really what you want, and you want to work that out. I don't want to be the backup. I'm always the backup,  you know? The second choice. I also don't want you to choose me just because you feel bad or because you don't want to hurt me. I don't think you would... I think there was a time that you would, but I don't think you would do that now. I try so hard to keep from being sad, you know?

I want to be your person. I want you to be mine. I hate these walls we have had to put up. It's like a part of me has been taken from me. When I finally decided to take off all the "filters" for you, it was a wonderful day. But now... now I don't feel like I can fully be me. It's not your fault. It's not the end of the world. It's just not easy, and I hate it. I know what it's like to not have those with you, and that was incredible. I miss it. I miss you. I miss being yours.

I know. I always get sad somehow. I fail at not doing so. But you, my dearest, you are the most important to me. I want you to be happy. I want you to be loved. I want you to be ok. I want you to have your dreams come true, and to have someone who wants to spend their life trying their damndest to make all your dreams come true. I would. I want you to be taken care of. No, you don't need it... most of the time. But sometimes... sometimes you do. And yes, you *do* deserve that.

You are beautiful. I love you.

when the past catches up

It's so very easy for things from the past to affect us. It's very easy to be going along, minding your own business, and then some trigger gets pushed, and causes all kinds of emotions and reactions you were hoping were gone.

I don't know where it came from, this awful feeling of worthlessness that I have so often. I don't know when it started. Maybe I do... I have some things I remember that could have caused it. I remember being the outsider. I was strange. I was always stranger than most of the kids, I felt like. Especially because I didn't like the "girly" things, I liked the things the boys did. I like boys toys. I liked Ninja Turtles, GI Joe, toy guns, pretending like we were cops, or lost boys with Peter Pan, cowboys... I was always so confused by the girls. I was even so far as to be mean to them sometimes, just because I didn't understand. Maybe that was when it started.

In junior high and high school, even, I still felt like a bit of an outcast. I was closer friends with and hung out with the "weird" kids. The nerds. I did hang out with some of the "popular" and "attractive" people. I was always shocked when they wanted to hang out with me or talk to me at all. I never really felt like their first choice, but at least I did have friends. I still felt like the "weird" kid, though.

Somewhere along the way, that turned into a complete lack of self confidence. But now... I am so convinced I'm not worth it, with regard to relationships. I feel, most of the time, that I am pretty much just waiting around to be broken up with. It's fun for a couple of months, and then I'm not "new and exciting" anymore, and I wonder. Are they bored of me? Am I annoying them yet? Everyone says similar things. "You are so wonderful. You are perfect. You are everything I could ever want... But I'm not ready for that. I'm not in a good place for this. I need to focus on me. You deserve something better."

You know... if you don't want to spend your life with someone, just say so. Don't lie. Anyway.

I'm tired of convincing myself that I'm not worth it. But I don't know how to stop.