New things

Well, I started a diet on Sunday this week. I have about 20 lbs I need to lose to be able to get back down to the mid range of a healthy BMI, and to be able to have my clothes fitting about like they used to (as opposed to being a little bit tight). I miss my six-pack. Hahah. I miss my clothes fitting. I miss not feeling fat and gross.

I do realize that in comparison to many people, I am not "fat and gross." I think, though, that everyone has a weight and body look that they are happy with, and I was at mine around 20 lbs ago. I do not like looking the way I currently look naked. I used to be ok with it, but I am currently not. I want to show off my back tattoo and not feel like anyone will be judging me for my fat belly hanging over my pants, ha. My goal is to be ready by Pride, which I think is a perfectly acceptable time frame. I do, however, need to find some sort of bra that supports by wrapping around my neck instead of my back. I imagine I will be pretty girly looking that day... but then I'll have baggy shorts sagging and probably a bandana to make up for it. :)

The diet is going quite well. My family and I are using Nutrisystem. It's actually pretty easy to follow. It's nice to be able to know exactly what to eat. I get to eat pretty well, they have all kinds of things in their menu: pancakes, omelets, lasagna, tuna, cookies... it's really just all about the right portion size and avoiding eating foods with lots of calories and fats, eating more fruits and vegetables, etc. It's hard sometimes, because I'm used to snacking whenever I feel like, on whatever is available. So I've had some cravings for popcorn or chips or pizza. I'm trying to get through the first couple of weeks, though, without eating off the plan, and then I will allow myself to occasionally eat out. I think the important thing is just portion size, and avoiding lots of dressings or high carbs, etc.

Anyway. I've also been working out every day. Lots of cardio! haha. And I've decided to hit the gym for weights 2-3 times a week. It has helped that I have been closing this week. Going in to work later means I can sleep in a bit, get up, have breakfast, work out, watch a little tv, and get my lunch and dinner together. I will be sad to switch to an earlier shift next week, but maybe I will be able to focus on changing yet another habit: going to bed at a decent hour. :)

I slept a bit late today, so I should probably get around now. I ate breakfast, played with my dog a bit and have been watching tv. I need to exercise, shower and then get my stuff together for work tonight.

Day 4, bring it on!

I'm miles from where you are

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms
-Snow Patrol

I heard this song a few times recently, and I had to look it up. The sound of it... was beautiful. It was one of those things that was just so sad and lovely. I hadn't really heard the lyrics at all, I just fell in love with the music of it. But then I heard all the lyrics, and oh my... it was so beautiful. So sad and so beautiful. It's my song for my Juliet, who I cannot be with.

Last night I was with her. For the first time in 3 weeks, I finally got to see her again. I took her out for dinner, since we had missed Valentine's Day. Gave her the gifts I had gotten her while I was gone. And then... had to tell her that we couldn't spend time together until she is ready to be wholly mine.

Let me just tell you how much that sucks.

She understood. She agreed. There is no way that she can figure herself out and work out her own stuff with me there telling her how much I love her all the time. It's scary to not do that. It's scary to not text her, to not call her, to not leave her messages and remind her how much I love her. I hate this. I hate not being with her. I hate not talking to her. I hate... missing her.

Thankfully, I have lots of friends who I am going to surround myself with. I have lots of time I need to spend at the gym. I have lots of things that I need to be doing to keep my mind off the fact that I hate being without her.

When you find that one person that knows you better than you know yourself... without you even having to tell them some things. She knows things about me that I don't even recognize in myself. I don't know how she can read me that well. But then... I read her the same way.

This is going to be really, really hard.

Email I decided not to send.

I miss you. First of all. It has been *way* too long since I've seen you. It has been way too long since I've held you or kissed you. The thought of coming home and not being with you... makes me dread coming home. At least being out here I can excuse it. I know you're going to have to say no, you can't be with me Saturday night. Or any night. Cause if you are with me, I'll want you to be with me. And I won't want to go back to not. But I'll have to. I would have told GT mornings and mids if you were mine. Just to be able to spend time with you. But it doesn't really matter right now, I guess. I won't get to spend time with you anyway.

I'm depressed right now. Teetering on it, anyway. It's clearly not good for both of us to be having a hard time at the same time. I wanted to cry for most of Sunday. I have wanted to cry every night since. I am so alone out here. This is why I would never move somewhere on my own. I can't handle it. If I had somebody, I'd be fine. But I don't. I have no one. I don't have a dog. Or friends. Family. A girlfriend. My own car. I almost wish Michael and Zach had come this last weekend instead. Maybe that would have helped me push through this last bit. 

You know, my parents have really tried to be there. I haven't really been too talkative with them, and I feel bad about that. They are being really supportive. I just... they aren't the ones I want to talk to every day. My brain is so tired. I do miss them. They go out of their way to make sure I know they are missing me and thinking about me. I'm lucky for that.

I know it's only 3 days. But 3 days is so long. And I am so, so lonely. And so... sad. And no one seems to really understand the extent. Maybe it's just that everyone else has accepted that there's nothing to be done about it and I'll be home soon. But that's not what I need. 

Maybe I expect too much.

I've always wanted to great at something. You know? Doesn't everybody want that? To be great at something. To have something that everyone says "oh, yeah! that was so amazing!" You know what I'm great at? Nothing. I'm good at plenty of things. I'm good at playing the piano, when I practice. I'm good at working out, when I do it. I'm good at drag, cause I actually put some effort into it. I guess I'm a good genius. I've never been really great at anything, though. Piano, guitar, drums, singing, football, softball, tae kwon do sparring, taking tests, teaching, writing... I can do those things. 

If I fail this test... that's just one more thing. One more thing I'm only ok at. Everyone else passed, Abbey. Why didn't you? You're supposed to be smart. You're supposed to learn quickly. You're supposed to be good at this. You're not really good at it, are you? You're not really good at very much of anything. Screwing up. That, you're great at. Making bad choices. You're a pro. You would win the award, in fact.

And you know what else? I am... disgusted with myself right now. I can not stand to see myself naked. I am... disgusting. I wish I didn't like food. I want to get home and go to the gym every day. I am so mad that PR and I didn't really decide to start working out together until right before I left. I'm really mad he hurt himself. I'm really mad... that I look like this. That I weigh what I do. That I haven't really hardly worked out in over a year, and my arms are weak and pathetic looking. I am so, so disgusting. I know you don't think so. No one does.  But I am. You can't see it. Other people can't see it. This is.... awful. AWFUL. I used to be so happy with myself. I was one of the few people that was ok with being naked and catching a glimpse of themself in the mirror. I wasn't exactly perfect, but I felt good about myself. I don't now. I feel fat and ugly and disgusting. I hate pictures of myself, cause I'm usually not paying attention and you can see my belly hanging over my pants and my fat ass hanging out around my huge hips and thighs. I *hate* myself right now. I want to get home and fix it.

So. I know you have a lot that's going on. I shouldn't really expect you to realize what all is going on with me right now. I also shouldn't expect for it to matter all that much. You aren't mine. I just... I expected it to. Because you still pretend to be mine. Or maybe you really are. You're just too scared to say so.

I wish you would say so. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being useless. I'm tired of being lazy. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of not being enough.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.

love is in the air?

Oh, Valentine's Day.

You will come to find, dear Reader, if you continue to follow my blog and spy on my life ;) that I very much enjoy holidays. I like to make a big deal out of holidays and birthdays. I don't know why; my parents used to make a big deal out of them, which probably explains it. I screwed up New Years' this year... but that is past now, time to move on. What is the next big holiday?

Valentine's Day.

Hated by many. Loved by some. Seen as ridiculous by others. Personally... I love it. Yes, you should show your significant other (and your friends and family) daily how you feel about them. Or if not daily, at least often. Not just on one day of the year. Yet... what's wrong with a special day of the year just to focus on love? Do you have to have someone you are dating? No. Just show love. Tell everyone you love how you feel, so they know. It doesn't have to be about not having a date.

That being said.

I have just spent Valentine's Day alone, in class, out of town, away from everyone I love... and alone. If not for my bff texting me, I wouldn't have really had much of anything.

I sent flowers to the Pretty One. She isn't really into holidays or birthdays. She has also been having quite a rough time, dealing with some things. But I sent her flowers. Nothing huge, just some lilys, because I know she loves them. She said thank you a few times. Said I kept her from being able to continue to be angry about being awake all day.

I didn't expect anything. I know she doesn't like holidays, so I don't pretend to think she will suddenly love them and start making a big deal out of them. I just... haven't really gotten to talk to her in 3 days. Two of those days she's been in an extremely bad mood. Today she was in a bad mood. Til she got home and her friends came over... but I couldn't talk to her then, cause she had people over.

I guess it doesn't really matter. She's got stuff to deal with. we aren't really together. I shouldn't expect anything at all, really.

I'm just lonely. I've been away from home a very long time. I miss my friends. I don't like being this alone. I haven't hugged anyone since my brother and his man left from visiting me. I'm tired of being here. I'm ready to go home.

Happy Fucking Valentine's.

what you see from the outside

Things I have learned so far on this trip:

1. I can totally survive without my own car. It's difficult for my control issues, and I don't *really* like it. But I can make it just fine.

2. I'm not happy with how I look. Most of you can't really see it, because it's really just about how I look naked. I used to look a ton better. I used to be a ton more comfortable with myself. But then I got extremely depressed, a little lazy, and turned 25+, and I gained some weight I have yet to get rid of. Lost a little tone... The nice thing is, though, that it's not out of hand yet. I have plenty of time to get back to where I want to be. When I get home, as I've been planning all along, I'm hitting the gym like a mad woman. I have 4 months to lose about 16 pounds and get back in the shape I was happy with. Completely able to accomplish that, as long as I buckle down and do what I need to do: actually keep track of what I eat, and get to the gym/tae kwon do daily.

3. I could move somewhere. I could move out of Oklahoma and be ok. As long as I moved with someone (like a significant other). I would be able to do that. I would miss my family, but I think it would help me grow in some other ways. Will I ever actually move? Who knows. It'd be good for my career to move at some point. We will just have to see where things take me.

4. I don't like sitting all day. It's been a nice change of scenery, but I miss running all over the floor, checking in with people, and my feet being exhausted at the end of the day.

5. The people that really matter... have let me know, in some way, that they miss me. It was pretty much who I figured it would be. A couple surprises. But some people have made an effort to let me know they haven't forgotten about me. That is a nice thing. I very much miss them.

I'm ready to get home.

5 more days.

Does it really matter?

So. This time at training is a serious lesson in control for me, or lack thereof. Like I mentioned before, I am sharing a car with 3 guys. They are pretty cool about it, no one tries to have the car all the time or act like no one else can use it. So that's pretty nice. However, until tonight, I haven't driven anything since January 30.

That is very weird for me. I like to drive. My Taurus was always a big, roomy vehicle, and I enjoyed being the one to drive people around. I usually drank the least, or wouldn't drink at all, when we went out to the clubs, so I ended up being the one to drive. When I sold the Taurus and got a new vehicle, I wanted to make sure I got something that would be big enough for people, a good road trip car. Have room for luggage and such. That's why I went with an SUV. I really like being the driver.

I also... have some serious control issues. I don't like being stuck somewhere without a car, I don't like being at someone else's mercy, and I don't like to not be the one driving. Even when my girl and I go out, or most of the time when I go out somewhere with my friends. I am driving.

A third, more minor issue, is my motion sickness. But usually, as long as I'm in the front, I'm ok.

All that being said, not being the one to drive everywhere, or even anywhere, really, has been really strange for me. Thankfully, tonight all the boys had a beer, and I had nothing. They were all a little more comfortable having me drive, just in case we got pulled over for any reason. It was nice to be the driver again!

I am actually half way through this now. It's actually been quite nice to be away from home for this long. Not having to do just the normal routine for so long is quite refreshing. But. I am going to be ready to get home. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my dog. I'm kind of over being in a place where I don't really know people, don't have my own car, and have to worry about upcoming tests! Haha. Ok, ok. I am loving it here. It's wonderful, it's relaxing in many ways, the weather is gorgeous, the food is delicious, and it's a change of scenery in many ways. But yes, I'm ready to get home.

Just a little longer. Just a little more to learn.

maybe it's not so bad

Ok. So. It's kinda weird being alone, not really knowing anyone. Having to trust other people to get you where you need to be when you need to be there. It's very, very strange. However... it's not that bad.

I am in a car with 3 young men. We all have class together, we ride to and from the hotel together. We make sure the other 3 have a ride to lunch or dinner, often going together. Tonight I didn't go with them. One of my car buddies was going to dinner with a friend of his that is here. The other two invited me to go with them after one got a hair cut, but my allergies have really been bothering me all day and I am so exhausted. I ordered a pizza, took a hot bath, and have been laying on my bed. I will be sleeping quite soon. I don't want to be sick.

I am kind of enjoying this, though. I would enjoy it more if I had my own car and someone I was close to with me. But. This is kind of a cool experience. I mean... Proof that I would rather not ever move somewhere alone to restart my life. Maybe with someone, a significant other I think. It's a cool experience, though, like I said. I think it's probably good for me. It's also very nice to be away from home, away from my life, away from just the normal every day things. It already feels like I've been gone forever, honestly. It is definitely still work, but it still feels a little bit like vacation. No, I'm not drinking or partying or going crazy. I've actually had the lights off by 11:30 at the latest the last couple nights. It's 10:30 now and I plan to hit the sack as soon as I'm done with this blog entry. If I was feeling better, I would be getting up again tomorrow at 6:50 to hit the gym! So I'm hoping I can kick whatever it is that is bothering my throat. But... this is really quite good for me.

I know this isn't a very exciting blog entry. There isn't really much I can say. I just wanted to write that I am certainly enjoying this. But I miss my friends, my family, and that beautiful girl.