well. oops.

Ok. Sunday... Sunday I had a *really* bad day, and I ended up staying out with a friend a bit late, just to calm myself down. Then Monday, I *was* going to come right home after work, but a friend had a crisis, and then everyone was at this guys' bachelor party, and I didn't want them to all think me super lame. so I was out too late that night, too. so. here you go.

Day 12 - something you don't leave the house without.

This will be a short and easy one. My phone. I have actually turned around and come back to the house, risking being late to work and appointments, if I realize I have left it on my dresser or something. I may have an addiction.


Day 13 - Goals

Wow. That's quite a question. I sort of feel like I'm at the point where I need to reevaluate some things and reset some goals for the shorter term. However, I guess over some long term time, a few goals:

1. to visit all 50 states (just what... 19 to go?)
2. To finish another triathalon in a much more acceptable time
3. to finish a 5k in less than 30 minutes
4. to move somewhere. even if I don't stay there for the rest of my life. just for a while, to get out of Oklahoma, and get some experience elsewhere.
5. to get my body back to where I feel comfortable being in just a sports bra and shorts

Day 14 -
Day 14 is interested. It's supposed to be a picture of yourself from last year and how you have changed.

This is how I looked almost exactly a year ago. Honestly... I could not have been more unhappy at that time. I was living (essentially) alone. I was in an awful, completely ridiculous, emotionally abusive relationship. I *hated* my full time job, more than I have ever hated any job in my life. I was spending spending spending money. I was having to cut friends out of my life for stupid reasons. I wasn't working out. I was miserable.

In a year... so much has changed. I am renting my house to someone and living with my parents. I was able to leave the job that sucked and become full time at a place that I love more than any job I have ever had. I know that this place is where I intend to stay. I have so many friends that want to be around me and spend time with me. I exercise pretty hardcore 4-7 days a week. I am saving (some) money. I am not in that awful relationship. I am in love with someone, who I currently cannot have, but despite the fact that it does make me unahppy... I am not miserable. I miss her, this wonderful woman. I know that if I never get to be with her, I will not die from it. I'll be sad, but I'll be ok. My life won't end. I just would rather not have life without her. Life with her is so much better.

But anyway... all that to say... I am SO much, a thousand times happier and in a better place than I was a year ago. I love. I am loved. I am amazing. I am fantastic at my job. I love my friends and coworkers. 

I am better. :) Much, much better.

bump in the road...

I'm home a tad late tonight. I'll update tomorrow for today and tomorrow :)

Movin' Right Along

Ok! Day 11, and still going strong! I'm pretty proud of myself. If I can get into a good habit of updating, even if it's not really about anything, then I'll keep it updated regularly, which was a goal of mine. Not that anyone reads it, but I suppose that's beside the point. I'm just proud of myself for keeping up so far.

But, enough of that, onto the days subject. Today: Favorite tv shows.

My favorite tv show of all time... is Friends. I cannot get enough of that show. If nothing else is on, if I need something to veg out to or just have on in the background, I will watch Friends. It always makes me happy, it always makes me laugh. I've probably seen each episode 100 times. (Sad, isn't it?) They still make me laugh just as much as the first time. Judge me if you must, but no show will ever be as good.

Let's see, how about some shows that are currently on television? Biggest Loser. Desperate Housewives. Modern Family. The Middle. Community. That show about the guy in India and the telemarketing company... I forget what it's called. Scrubs.

I really don't often watch many of these shows. I also will watch Frasier, That 70s Show, and According to Jim. I occasionally watch some of the crime shows (CSI, Law & Order, Criminal Minds), but that's pretty much it. And honestly, the only things I regularly keep up with are Biggest Loser and Desperate Housewives. Everything else is just random, like if I'm hanging out at the house and Mom and Dad are watching an episode of something. I don't have enough time to keep up with anything else! TV is not that important to me anymore. I have Friends on a lot when I'm doing stuff around the house, but... yeah. Plenty of other stuff that I have to do. :)

is it really just fear itself?

Day 10 is something you are afraid of.

There are a few things I'm afraid of. They are all pretty lame fears, I think. Let's start with the lamest.

Crickets. It's pretty ridiculous how a cricket will render me completely incapable of doing anything, really. Everyone says "it's not like they can hurt you!" That's not the point!! They're disgusting, and I don't want them on me. They're also erratic. They jump, and you never know where or when, and some of them can fly. You never know where they will end up, and I do not like that about them. Also, they are loud and chirpy. I may have been traumatized by them at some point as a child. I also occasionally have nightmares where crickets are chasing me. Usually giant crickets. Normal crickets are bad enough, just imagine if they were giant ones.

People have also said "you're a black belt! why are you afraid of a little cricket??" You know, "black belt" means nothing to a cricket. They are not afraid of ninjas, pirates, small or large. If you are in their way, they will jump on you and spread their nastiness! Chirping, jumping, creeping... YUCK.

Anyway. I guess I can share something that's a little less ridiculous.

I'm quite afraid of ending up alone. I don't like being alone. Sometimes I do, for sure. I think everyone enjoys a little alone time. You can watch whatever you want on tv, have the lights set just right, eat some stuff, dance around like a loon if you feel so inclined, and no one is there to be irritated or say anything or get in your way. Ultimately, though... I like it when I have someone to crawl in bed next to and snuggle and talk til we fall asleep. Someone to cuddle up on the couch with and watch movies and just veg out. Someone to take to dinner to talk about our days. Someone to text and tell everything to, call when something exciting or bad happens...

I'm very much wired to love someone, to be there for them, take care of them, share life together. So it really sucks. Especially when I feel like I found that someone and I've gotta be without her right now. It's hard to go from having that person to not. I have all these things that I want to say, that I feel... but I have to keep them inside right now.

Just the way it goes right now, I guess. But still. I don't really want to end up alone.

And we all know what pictures are worth...

This blog is supposed to be a favorite picture of your best friend. I have a few best friends, and large numbers of pictures of each of them. Except for Nicki. Nicki understands me like few people do, but she hates pictures. So... Nicki: I don't have any pictures of you. I blame you for this. But don't feel left out. You got mentioned first ;)

Megan is next up. I've known Megan for... I think 7 years, now. We became friends very quickly, decided to live together for a year in college, and have been pretty much inseparable since. Despite the fact that she was married for a while and now lives in Seattle. She always gets me. Even when we get in fights, we both know what the other means, we just don't like hearing it. :)

This picture (above) is... well. Us in a nutshell. Completely ridiculous.

That's Megan. With the foot in the air. Cracks me up to this day.

Lori is up next. Lori and I have known each other for almost 27 years now. That is a LONG time. We don't see each other super often, and we don't talk just a ton, but we still stay in contact. We make time to see each other a couple of times a year, we chat online some, we (very rarely, mainly because I hate being on the phone) chat on the phone, and we pretty much just pick up where we left off every time we hang out. Most people don't have any relationship for that long, so to think that in another 27 years, we will have known each other for 50+ years... not many people get a relationship like that.

Lee is next. I have known Lee for... Only 3 years. I can't imagine my life without him. We don't spend as much time together as we used to, but I still consider him one of the people I can tell anything to. Granted, he does also do my hair now, so I suppose you have to be able to have that relationship with your hair dresser... but I love him. He listens to my crying and ranting, he's been there for me so many times when nobody else could be, and I love him.

I have one more. I can't really talk about her, though. She's not really allowed to be even my friend right now. It sucks. It hurts a lot. I miss her. It's hard to have someone you trust and tell *everything* to, and then all of a sudden not be able to talk to them. I just... I miss her. I miss what we had.

I guess I should consider myself lucky, though. To have so many good friends. They've been very good to me, and I can never thank them enough for their friendship. I only hope I've been there for them somehow over the years. I have more friends who I love and can't imagine my life without, but... that could turn into a really really long list! Hopefully I won't offend anyone if I didn't mention them, haha. But... I think only 3 people read this anyway. ;)

Travelin' Light

Day 8 is "a place you have traveled to". That is a very long list, as I am quite a little traveler and have been many places. Where should we talk about? Europe? Mexico? One of the 30-something states I've been to? I don't even know where to start! I'm not really in the mood to go into detailed stories about places right now, so let's just list places I have been. We will start with the United States, as one of my goals in life is to visit all 50.

Washington
California
Arizona
New Mexico
Nevada
Utah
South Dakota
Nebraska
Kansas
Colorado
Oklahoma
Texas
Arkansas
Missouri
Indiana
Illinois
Ohio
Tennessee
Alabama
Louisiana
Georgia
West Virginia
Pennsylvania
Virginia
Maryland
New York
Florida
New Jersey
Iowa
Wisconsin
Mississippi

Ok. I thought I had been to about 32 or 33 states or so. Apparently I was wrong. I'm hoping to be able to hit at least one more new state before September of this year. I had set a goal to visit 3 new states by September of this year, and I've been to one... I just didn't really have anyone to go with to some places. Hawaii and Alaska will be the difficult ones. I am going to hit all of them, though. :) Mainly, because I have a map with magnets for each state, and I only allow myself to put the magnet up when I've been to the state. I *will* be able to have all of those magnets up there!!

Other places that I have been to:
Mexico
Holland
France
Germany
Belgium
Great Britain (the airport, anyway)
Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
Belize
Honduras

Since we are talking about travel... let's talk about some places I would still like to go and visit (outside of the United States):
Italy
Scotland
Ireland
Great Britain (outside of the airport, thank you very much)
Australia
Spain
China

Will I ever visit all of those places? PLUS the states I need to make it to? PLUS get back to France and actually go in the Louvre, go back to Germany or Holland? Who knows. I will make it to some of them, though. I quite love travel. Especially when you have someone to travel with that you really like being around. :)

and time for daaaaay 7!

Day 7 is your favorite movies. I'm not sure this is really a very exciting blog post, but I guess some of these are just to get to know me better. (and also to give me something to talk about)

Let's go through a few of my favorite movies, in no particular order.

1. Star Wars
Really, if you know me at all, this is not surprising. I don't care which one it is, 1-6. I love them all, they are wonderful, they are an incredible, beautiful story (ignoring Hayden Christenson's awful acting in Epi. 2) of good verses evil. Still watching Episode 3 makes me cry. I love the stories, the characters, there's excitement, romance, action, surprises, and best of all... lightsabers. How much better could it be??

2. Harry Potter
All of them. I *love* these movies, and they are some that I will watch just about any time they are on tv. Which is lame, because I own them all, and could just pop them into the DVD player, but I'm very lazy. :) I love these movies, though. I think everyone wants to believe in magic a little bit. The little kid inside of them does. How fun would it be? Flying brooms, magic trains, duels with wands... excitement, right? Plus, they're just good movies. It's another great good vs. evil story.

3. Hairspray (2008 edition)
I will watch this movie any time. It reminds me of happy times. It makes me happy to watch it. I love the music, their soundtrack is just fantastic. John Travolta *cracks* me up. I love it and I will watch it at any time. It never gets old for me.

4. Enchanted
Another just amazing movie. Disney poking fun at itself a bit, and I love a good bit of sarcasm. Amy Adams is absolutely perfect for the role, James Marsden is hilarious, the music is great... every role was brilliantly cast. The whole thing is just completely adorable. If you ever need a movie to make you smile, this is the one.

I think the only other movies that I watch pretty regularly are the Miss Congeniality movies, The Devil Wears Prada, um... I'm sure there are a few others, but really, those are the main ones. I highly recommend them all.

Day Six, Pick up Sticks!

Not really.

Day six is a picture of something that makes you happy. I'm not in a super chatty mood so here you go.

My goofy dog. He is funny. And always so happy. He likes to run and jump and wiggle. 

It makes me happy.

Friends, food, fun... f-words? lol. I love my friends.

Playing with my freaking adorable nephew. Can't really be anything but happy when he's around.

Awesome art. Music. Photography. The sky. Beauty.

There are other things that make me happy, that just sort of skims the surface. I know I am very often sad and emo and upset and... many other depressing words. I am just a very deep feeling, emotional person, and there is one thing I want more than anything in the world. Not having it makes me very unhappy. I get even more unhappy when I feel like I'm close to having it and then it gets taken away from me. But. In spite of all of that, there are many many things that still make me happy.

Day 5!

Alright! Going strong with the 30 day blogging challenge. Today is "a song to match your mood." My mood is pretty much what it usually is - wondering why I'm not good enough, and when I will be. I found my person, and I guess I'm just not where she wants to be right now. It's fair, I guess. I mean... she has a lot of other stuff going on. And even if I was what she wanted... it's not like she'd be ready for it tomorrow. Just... you find the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with... you don't wanna waste any time not being with them. I have to waste... so much time.


Anyway. Here it is:


What have I done
I wish I could run away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
on my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right
To get it right

Can I start again
With my faith shaken,
Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay
And face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth
That sometimes life isn't fair

I'll send out a wish and I'll send out a prayer
And finally someone will see
How much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take

To get it right
To get it right

Day 4: The Parents

So day 4 is supposed to be about your parents. I'm not entirely sure how that is supposed to go. haha.

My parents are pretty awesome, though. Sometimes they get on my nerves, but whose parents don't ever do that? My parents homeschooled my brothers and me, all through school. I can only imagine the amount of stress that put on them. Plus it's not like it was super cheap! They had to buy so many books, come up with a schedule for us each day, make sure we did all the right things so we would be accepted as graduates, even had to pay for special classes for us.

Homeschoolers (many of them, anyway) participate in co-op classes. Ours was called PET (Parents Educating Teens). We met on Mondays. Many homeschool parents had taught school at some point before, and they signed up to teach different classes: math, science, english, even some fun things like art and drama. We started going to co-op classes in... junior high, I believe. We would go to class on Monday, go over the work for the week, and then have homework to do for the rest of the week. My parents had to pay each of those teachers, buy any books necessary for the class, make sure we had supplies, and even drive us all to class every Monday until we were old enough to do so ourselves. They let us get involved in drama class, even with the extra amount of driving and time it required, let us take other classes elsewhere different days, and still made time to let us hang out with our friends.

My parents did a ton of things for us. Things they didn't have to, things other parents don't necessarily do. Plus, since we were homeschooling, we went on lots of trips. Dad used to go on quite a few trips every year for his work, and quite often we would all go with him. We would leave a few days early so we could drive wherever it was, and make some fun stops along the way. Because of that, I have been to (I think) 30+ of the 50 states.

They taught me so much. They loved me and my brothers, and our friends. They would do just about anything for anyone. They continue to allow random friends of ours to live in their house, like some sort of halfway house for the crazy kids. I can only hope to be half as caring as they are.

Sis-in-law, Mom & bro-in-law being adorable with their Christmas gifts.

Dad being silly with his Christmas present in a Victoria's Secret bag. 

They are silly. But I quite love my parents. They are some of the best. Even when they make me mad. I wouldn't trade them.

Days 2 & 3

So yesterday I got up early, exercised, ate breakfast, showered, made lunch, picked up Teno and made it to work a few minutes early... but then was quite late at a friends house for dinner so did not blog. But I am going to make up for it by posting days 2 AND 3 today. Because I want them to both be in there, and I am trying really hard to not get behind!

Day 2: Meaning Behind Your Blog Name
Well. I don't really feel like I'm meant for this world. I never have. I'm greater than it. I'm bigger than it. Sound a little crazy or a little conceited? Perhaps. It's just a feeling I've always had, for as long as I can remember. I don't consider it a self-serving thing. It's just something I know, but usually don't tell anyone. There are a few other people who understand this feeling. If you're not one of those people, you will probably just see me as some sort of ridiculous, elitist, ego-maniac. I can live with that. I know it's not true.

But anyway. I also am generally so far from the typical of anything. I was never the typical girl, typical sister, typical friend, typical lesbian... Especially in my dating relationships. Do you know how many times I've heard "you're not like everyone else?" I'm not. If you're a friend or someone I've dated, you probably know. I'm quite different from most.

I broke the mold. And this is my life.

************************************

Day 3: Your First Love

Ok. I don't really know where to go with this one. I'm going to be a little funny about it.

Yes. I'm a huge lesbian. lol. It's pretty obvious. But, there was a time in my life where I thought I was straight. Shocking, I know. Also, I do consider myself someone who can appreciate attractiveness, regardless of gender. When I was younger, though, I did think "well... girls like boys. I guess that's just how it's supposed to be." That was a huge part of it. At that time, when I was a preteen, I think, I took part in buying those ridiculous magazines tween girls buy to stare at the numerous pictures of their celebrity heartthrobs. I had a friend who I even occasionally traded pictures with.

She had her walls in her room *covered* in pictures and magazine ads of her "dream hunks". I was not that bad. I think I had some on a bulletin board for a while. Maybe I had a few taped to the closet... I think I did. I think I taped some to my closet door. I kind of remember that. I think my friend even showed me how to use the tape on the backs of the photos, or use some sort of sticky tack, so the corners of the photos wouldn't be ruined or accidentally ripped off.

Anyway. The one man who had my heart for the longest when I was that age, is this:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Oh yes. He had 3 names. And you would say all of them. Or call him JTT, you know, if you were *really* in love with him. I even actually had that ad, I pulled it out of a magazine. I loved that photo.

Sadly, I discovered that he was quite a bit shorter than me, as even at 13, I was an enormous creature, taller than my mom and almost as tall as my dad. Poor JTT is only something like 5'7, if I recall. So, we never could have worked out, anyway. I'm sure he isn't really into amazon women. ;) But, I'm not gonna lie. Even now... he was pretty freaking adorable.

30 Day Blog Challenge

I saw a few other people doing a 30 day blog challenge, and I thought what better way to attempt to keep up with my blog than with a challenge. Maybe if I have something to write about, I'll actually do it? Who knows. But worth a shot. :) I'd like to have a little more up here.

Day 1: 15 interesting facts about myself and a recent picture.

1. I LOVE my job. I work for the best company in the world
2. I played football on a professional women's team for a season. I quit after that because I'm not very good, it takes a LOT of time, and I seriously hurt my knee
3. I still want to be Batman
4. I will ditch pretty much anyone to spend time with my 2 year old nephew. He brings such light and happiness to my life, even when he's in a grumpy mood.
5. I lived in Holland for 6 weeks. It was lovely. I sort of miss it some days.
6. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and put my whole heart into everything. Sometimes I wish I didn't, but I don't know how to live otherwise.
7. I'm a Drag King. A pretty damn good one, if I do say so myself. It's a lot of fun, and I'd like to compete in a pageant.
8. I'm a black belt in tae kwon do
9. I love cloudy days
10. I am a dog person. Dachshunds are my favorite. They have a really funny personality and they are very odd little creatures. Kind of like myself :)
11. My favorite form of exercise: Dance Dance Revolution.
12. I'm very proud of my biceps. I have worked and continue to work very hard on maintaining amazing arms.
13. Fastest way to my heart: Cook me a meal. I hate to cook. I love to eat.
14. I'll take Little Caesars Pizza over any other pizza. I think it's the most delicious pizza I've ever eaten.
15. I want, more than anything, someone to love and share my life with.

and so it goes

Well. I haven't had a whole lot to say this last week. Not surprising, considering my life has pretty much consisted of working out and watching Friends seasons. It's been a little boring at times, but it's been good for me, I think. I do feel ready to get back to work, and hopefully I will be in a place to do my best. I was in pretty desperate need of a real break.

Pretty One comes back tonight. I won't see her. I'll see her tomorrow... I had hoped that her trip would give her a reason to choose me. There was a chance, I suppose. There's always a chance. But it didn't. Last night she let me know she had indeed decided to go with her original plan. It's fair. She needs to do what's best for her, and if that's what it is... then that's where we are. I just always hoped I would be good enough that the obvious choice would be me. I understand... to an extent. Not completely, because I've never been on that side of it.

I really didn't think this would happen with her. I really, really thought this would be it. But I think this is further proof that I am just everyone's footnote in their happy little lives. Not that I assume all of my exes are happy, but that's just what it seems like a lot of the time. Footnote.

Anyway. Here we go. Again.

Stay-cation

Today, I don't have to go to work. In fact, I don't have to go back to work until next Thursday. Furthermore, I don't really have to do much of anything until next Thursday. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am.

I will most likely do a few things around the house - keep it cleaned up, vacuum, maybe dust, keep the dishes put away from the dishwasher, help with laundry. I don't want to just be a complete bum for a week. However, the majority of my time, I plan to spend working out, watching Friends, and playing video games. I'm going to save money this week, I'm going to stick to my diet pretty well, and I'm going to feel rested and ready to get back to work.

I already feel great right now, actually. Though I'm not very excited about having to call my insurance agent. I hate calling people. I hate it. I don't know why. I wish people would just do stuff the first time I call and ask, so that I wouldn't have to call a second time. But whatever.

I don't really have a whole lot of exciting things to say right now. I just really am preparing to spend a lot of time working out and relaxing. And trying not to eat all the time :) I want to stick to my diet pretty well, and see if I can lose a couple of pounds before I get back to work. I haven't been sticking too well lately, so I am a little stuck. I suppose it's alright, I shouldn't expect to lose 5 lbs every week. It just sucks that I can't! I'd feel so much more excited about it if that were the case. I'd also be much more excited if I could just ramp up my metabolism to allow me to eat whatever I want and not gain weight, but whatev.

Maybe I'll have something more interesting to say later. I hope you all enjoy your week :)

3 days

Three days... til I have a full week off. I am extremely excited about this. I haven't had a full week off from work in quite some time. I've had a few days here and there, but not a full week, so I'm pumped. You may ask, what am I going to do in that time? Go on a trip somewhere exciting? Go on another exotic vacation like a cruise or something? Road trip? No.

I am going to sleep, play video games, and go to the gym.

I know, that sounds super exciting. Believe me, though. Not having anything to do, not having anywhere to be, no responsibilities, nothing to worry about. I may have a few bills come in that I have to pay, but that's pretty much it. I think I will probably go try to see Lori one day, if she isn't too busy. It *is* going to be her anniversary weekend, and I hope she and her husband have something nice planned. But I don't get to see her very often at all, and it would be nice to be able to go spend the day with her.

Past that, I plan to lose about 6 lbs from being at the gym so much! :)

I lost one pound last week. I can accept that. I wasn't perfect, but I think I stayed under 2000 calories every day, and I worked out... 4 or 5 days last week. Plus, it was week 2. Week 2 is notorious for not allowing much weight loss, for pretty much everyone. I hope, though, that at the end of the week of my vacation, I will have gotten down 10 lbs. That'll be 10lbs in 4 weeks, and that would be really nice.

I don't really feel any thinner. I don't feel like I look any thinner yet. I just want my mid section to be less hanging over my pants :P Pretty sure if I had lots of money, I'd get some of that lunch-time lipo done just so I wouldn't have to worry about the dieting, and could feel better about how I look NOW.

I don't know why everything about my life is a test in patience. Bleh.

Three more days.

if ever it was enough

well. I'm almost through week 2 of the diet. It seems to be going pretty well. I've saved a lot of money, that's for sure. Last week, I lost 5 lbs. I don't know where I'm at this week, if I will lose anything. But... I do feel like I am doing much better. I am eating healthier, I am eating less, I am exercising more. I go out with friends and I might have a beer or two once a week. My friends ordered chips and salsa yesterday, and I had all of 3 chips.

it's killing me a little bit.

I *love* food. It's not right that all the good food is bad for you and has tons of calories. I want some ice cream, man! A cheeseburger, a pizza... to eat it down on some chips and salsa or hummus or something. But I am good. Stuffing yourself isn't good. It's ok to eat whatever you want, it's just not really ok to eat huge portions or not eat vegetables and fruit. But... dear goodness, I want a milkshake.

I miss the pretty girl. I... cannot be with her now. Not anymore. Not unless she is willing to be with just me and only me. Oh, I'm so afraid that she never will. I'm so afraid that I will not be enough. The way I love her, how much I love her, will not be enough. I have barely spoken to her today, and it is terrible. My heart misses her. My heart cries quietly, as I have lost my love. I don't know what to do without talking to her. Without making plans with her. Without seeing her or telling her how much I love her.

I now just wait. She goes on a trip next week, to see her best friend. I am so afraid she will go up there, and then come back, and just... well.

I'm ready for things to be different. I'm ready for her to choose to be mine. Will that ever happen? :\ I have no idea. I hope. I hope every day. And I hope it doesn't take her long to realize that I'm what would make her happy. Oh, how I hope...

So much to do. So much to get done. So much... that I wish she wouldn't miss.