is it really just fear itself?

Day 10 is something you are afraid of.

There are a few things I'm afraid of. They are all pretty lame fears, I think. Let's start with the lamest.

Crickets. It's pretty ridiculous how a cricket will render me completely incapable of doing anything, really. Everyone says "it's not like they can hurt you!" That's not the point!! They're disgusting, and I don't want them on me. They're also erratic. They jump, and you never know where or when, and some of them can fly. You never know where they will end up, and I do not like that about them. Also, they are loud and chirpy. I may have been traumatized by them at some point as a child. I also occasionally have nightmares where crickets are chasing me. Usually giant crickets. Normal crickets are bad enough, just imagine if they were giant ones.

People have also said "you're a black belt! why are you afraid of a little cricket??" You know, "black belt" means nothing to a cricket. They are not afraid of ninjas, pirates, small or large. If you are in their way, they will jump on you and spread their nastiness! Chirping, jumping, creeping... YUCK.

Anyway. I guess I can share something that's a little less ridiculous.

I'm quite afraid of ending up alone. I don't like being alone. Sometimes I do, for sure. I think everyone enjoys a little alone time. You can watch whatever you want on tv, have the lights set just right, eat some stuff, dance around like a loon if you feel so inclined, and no one is there to be irritated or say anything or get in your way. Ultimately, though... I like it when I have someone to crawl in bed next to and snuggle and talk til we fall asleep. Someone to cuddle up on the couch with and watch movies and just veg out. Someone to take to dinner to talk about our days. Someone to text and tell everything to, call when something exciting or bad happens...

I'm very much wired to love someone, to be there for them, take care of them, share life together. So it really sucks. Especially when I feel like I found that someone and I've gotta be without her right now. It's hard to go from having that person to not. I have all these things that I want to say, that I feel... but I have to keep them inside right now.

Just the way it goes right now, I guess. But still. I don't really want to end up alone.