It's so very easy for things from the past to affect us. It's very easy to be going along, minding your own business, and then some trigger gets pushed, and causes all kinds of emotions and reactions you were hoping were gone.
I don't know where it came from, this awful feeling of worthlessness that I have so often. I don't know when it started. Maybe I do... I have some things I remember that could have caused it. I remember being the outsider. I was strange. I was always stranger than most of the kids, I felt like. Especially because I didn't like the "girly" things, I liked the things the boys did. I like boys toys. I liked Ninja Turtles, GI Joe, toy guns, pretending like we were cops, or lost boys with Peter Pan, cowboys... I was always so confused by the girls. I was even so far as to be mean to them sometimes, just because I didn't understand. Maybe that was when it started.
In junior high and high school, even, I still felt like a bit of an outcast. I was closer friends with and hung out with the "weird" kids. The nerds. I did hang out with some of the "popular" and "attractive" people. I was always shocked when they wanted to hang out with me or talk to me at all. I never really felt like their first choice, but at least I did have friends. I still felt like the "weird" kid, though.
Somewhere along the way, that turned into a complete lack of self confidence. But now... I am so convinced I'm not worth it, with regard to relationships. I feel, most of the time, that I am pretty much just waiting around to be broken up with. It's fun for a couple of months, and then I'm not "new and exciting" anymore, and I wonder. Are they bored of me? Am I annoying them yet? Everyone says similar things. "You are so wonderful. You are perfect. You are everything I could ever want... But I'm not ready for that. I'm not in a good place for this. I need to focus on me. You deserve something better."
You know... if you don't want to spend your life with someone, just say so. Don't lie. Anyway.
I'm tired of convincing myself that I'm not worth it. But I don't know how to stop.
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