Sometimes I don't really know what to say, I just feel like I need to say *something*. There are so many things on my mind these days... so many things that I wish I could fix or make better. So many things I wish I could say correctly. I just don't know what to say, how to say it, what to do, what to not do... surely there is something I could do that would make things better.

It's hard for me to not want to fix things, when something is going wrong, and especially when it relates to someone I love or care about. I have a tattoo that means "protector." That is who I am, though I'm starting to think I'm not very good at it. Every time I try to protect someone, or take care of them, I feel like I only make things worse. No, I don't think everything is all my fault. I think I've done my share of things I probably shouldn't have. I've made choices, in the past, that I shouldn't have made. I still pay for some of those choices... plenty of things remind me of painful times. I will, randomly, get a memory, a feeling, of some very unhappy moment. Some time when I was made to feel extremely low or worthless. I don't know what it is that triggers that, what causes those particular feelings to come rushing back. I hate it, you know. I left that situation for a reason. The other situations were not my choice to leave, but looking back, for the most part, I feel like I understand why those were not the best situations for me any longer.

Now, though... oh, now. I had this wonderful, happy, lovely thing. Perhaps I was not supposed to have it yet, but... it was so lovely. So happy, so full of love, smiles, and just everything I had wanted. Making all the shit of the past not matter. Making it all worth it, to get me to where I am so I could have this. Until the full realization of being "the wrong time" came about, that is.

I know. I know all the issues. I know what situations were there and are still there. I am painfully aware. And yet... here I am.

I see what it's worth, you know.