headed for a heartbreak

"Now we're headed for a heart, heart, heart break

And I don't ever, ever wanna hear you say

Don't say you love me, don't even

Don't say you love me, you're leaving."

-Boys Like Girls

That, right there, is the story of my life. It's not necessarily completely true now, and it's not necessarily completely true in all cases. But I think, at some point in each of my wonderful past experiences that I call "relationships", I have felt part of that paragraph.

You know the feeling. For example, "this isn't going to end well." Have you ever realized that about a relationship? I can, unfortunately, name a few that the previous statement would apply to. Even after being told by other people, "hey, you know, this really isn't a good idea..." I do my own thing, apparently. Doesn't matter what you think. I am stupid.

"Don't say that, it doesn't help anything. It doesn't make it better." The middle two lines of the paragraph of the song apply here. Another couple of relationships I can think of to apply that part to. As I think I mentioned previously, how many times I have heard some form of the following:

"Abbey... you are so perfect. You just love with everything you have, and you make me feel so loved and special. You would do anything for me, and I know that you would. You're just... gosh, you're so perfect. I'm just not in a place where I can be in a relationship right now..."

Really? Is it supposed to sting less because I'm "perfect?" If I was so great, why in the fucking hell would you let me go? Not only let me go, but send me on my way, very quickly. Then, within a month, be with someone else? Don't sugar coat it to spare my feelings. All you have done is give me a complex. I am now convinced I am so far from perfect that no one will ever stay with me for longer than a max of 6 months. I am also convinced that *everyone* who dates me, will end up choosing to go back to their ex or someone that should be in their past. But that's neither here nor there. This is not about a list of my emotional complexes. That's for another day.

Then there's the last line. 

I don't even know what to say about it right now. I don't really know that I can even put into words everything that I'm feeling, and I don't know that I care to try. I want to tell her what I'm feeling... but I can't. She said "I love you"... and left. 

I shouldn't be upset, I guess. I understand. Kind of. Not really. Plus... everybody leaves me. Eventually. So it's not like it's really her fault. She had to.

I hate being me some times.